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Nasif
January 19, 2004, 03:59 AM
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his rear off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make them all ugly again."

:D

Keep posting a joke for each day...

Ehsan
January 19, 2004, 09:06 PM
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you
hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the
woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That
hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she
cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a
natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger.

Hasib
January 19, 2004, 09:26 PM
An American came to watch a game of cricket. He watched the first over where the batsmen scored two runs. At the end of the over the Umpire called "Over" At this the American got up and said "Nice game, but it's a bit short".

James90
January 20, 2004, 10:03 AM
Originally posted by Hasib
An American came to watch a game of cricket. He watched the first over where the batsmen scored two runs. At the end of the over the Umpire called "Over" At this the American got up and said "Nice game, but it's a bit short".

I don't get it

Nasif
January 20, 2004, 10:10 AM
h_fan: the american thought the game was finished after umpire called out over.

James90
January 20, 2004, 10:40 PM
Yeah but where's the funny bit? Is there a reference to baseball?

Carte Blanche
January 21, 2004, 06:31 AM
May be he was trying to say Yanks are dumb :P

Carte Blanche
January 21, 2004, 06:40 AM
A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His wife irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

Hasib
January 21, 2004, 08:04 AM
What I meant was yankees don't know the rules of cricket so when the umpire called over he thought the game was over.

Hasib
January 21, 2004, 08:06 AM
Oh and why Father of four, not six?

James90
January 21, 2004, 08:24 AM
Two of them aren't his ;)

Mahmood
January 21, 2004, 09:17 AM
I guess James has got his "apples and bees" talk.

James90
January 21, 2004, 10:01 PM
I understood Hasib's joke, I just didn't find it that funny, I wasn't trying to diss him and his joke it's just that I thought there must have been more to it because well sorry Hasib it wasn't funny. Maybe if baseball had an "over".

Nasif
January 23, 2004, 07:49 PM
Here's another blonde joke:

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.

Ehsan
January 26, 2004, 01:35 AM
An advance sorry to those who don't understand hindi/urdu.

*Sardar: Doctor help me, main jab baat karta houn to mujhe sirf awaaz sunai
deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt.

* Angry sardar-Oye main is duniya ko mita dunga.. mita dunga.. mita dunga.
Another sardar standing besides said main tujhe rubber hi nahi dunga.

*Santa singh: Can u spell a word tht has more thn 1000 letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.

* Sardar on cycle hit lady accidently, lady says," break nahi mar sakta tha
kya?"
Sardar replies "break ka kya hai, poori cycle to mar di....."

* Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar
chalta tha, woh kya soch raha hoga....
think.............
"SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"

*What is the full form of singh
s-sardar i-insaan n-nahi g-gadha h-hai.

*Sardar:Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulta.

* ..A friend asks sardar how was ur exam?
Sardar: It was ok but I couldnt answer past tense of THINK. I thought,
thought & finally i wrote 'THUNK'.

* Sardarni asks her lover,"Santa dear, if we get engaged, will u give me a
ring?"
"Sure" replies santa. "Whats ur phone no?"


[Edited on 26-1-2004 by ehsan]

Hasib
January 26, 2004, 02:50 AM
I got bits n pieces of it... but not enough...:(

fab
January 26, 2004, 10:16 PM
A Moral Dilemma

Here's a dilemma for you.... be honest and decide what you would do. This
test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't
answer it without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you
will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely,
completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one
way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.


Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the
test to work accurately.


You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on
around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses
of water everywhere. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of
this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people
floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its
destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be
taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man
looks familiar...

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have a chance to save him or you can take the best photo
of your life, a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the
death of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
/
/
/
/










Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic
black and white ?

Hasib
January 27, 2004, 08:02 AM
To be honest, if I was in the middle of a storm... unless family or friends are in danger... I would be mainly conserned about saving my own skin.

Orpheus
January 27, 2004, 08:32 PM
Definitely color!

[Edited on 28-1-2004 by Orpheus : shortened]

Hasib
January 28, 2004, 04:16 AM
when i said skin i meant myself

James90
January 28, 2004, 06:04 AM
George Bush aint worth keeping alive and if you took a photo there would be all sorts of allegations...so...i would let his drown and not take a photo

Orpheus
January 28, 2004, 11:20 AM
I think you guys missed the whole joke there. Replace George Bush with your president (but Bush is ofcourse funnier given all the animosity ppl got toward him). Use Blair!

While you read, you are formulating an answer thinking that the question will be "what will you do?" but the real question is "which film will you choose"? meaning that there is no question you will choose to take the picture. Get the joke? (yes it was a joke - no one really cares about your opinion). Ppl in this board has so dull sense of humor!

Hasib, you crack me up sometimes man. Raj bhai... I never got the "apples and bees" talk... My parents are too conservative.. you wanna share?

James90
February 2, 2004, 06:52 AM
I still don't get fab's joke...i must just be really really slow

I never understood what Raj meant by apples and bees but i continued on pretending i did

Orpheus
February 2, 2004, 01:08 PM
It's not about getting it! Some jokes are not funny!

For example, I agree with you about Hasib's Joke - there should have been a reference to baseball, otherwise it's not funny.

About Bush, Political jokes might not be for you! If you compare that Joke to Princess Diana incidence.. it's actually sad!

As for Rajputro's comment - Only he knows what apples and bees meant. I never seen a bee on an apple! I saw a cockroach though!

Mahmood
February 2, 2004, 06:30 PM
Originally posted by Orpheus
Raj bhai... I never got the "apples and bees" talk... <b>My parents</b> are too conservative.. you wanna share?

If you dont know what I am talking about, how do you know, parents are suppossed to do that talk?

Caught red handed Orphy!!!

Carte Blanche
February 3, 2004, 02:46 PM
An old lady walked into a store got some cat food and at the register ready to pay the clerk said; "before you pay, we need proof you own a cat cause some people buy it and eat it themselves", so she goes home gets her cat buys the cat food and goes home. The next day the same old lady walks in and grabs dog food goes to the register and the cashier tells her again "we need proof you own a dog cause some people buy the food and eat it themselves”, so she went home got her dog bought the food and went home. The next day she walks in with a little box and goes to the cashier and asks her to put her finger in the box, the cashier responds "no way " the old lady assures her there is nothing in the box that would harm her so she stuck her finger in and felt something mushy with a foul smell and asks “what is thissssss, $hit or something???" and the old lady replies "yes” so can I buy some toilet paper now"?

[Edited on 3-2-2004 by Carte Blanche]

fais
February 3, 2004, 05:15 PM
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Nasif
February 3, 2004, 07:47 PM
Originally posted by Carte Blanche
An old lady walked into a store got some .....


That was good one hahaha :D

Hasib
February 14, 2004, 12:59 AM
I found this on the net...

http://www.eidmubarak.com/new/cardfm.php?card=latifeidmubarak&cat=latif

Sami
February 14, 2004, 10:26 AM
Originally posted by Hasib
I found this on the net...

http://www.eidmubarak.com/new/cardfm.php?card=latifeidmubarak&cat=latif

I dunno... why do I get a sting of insult from the joke as a muslim... or maybe its just me... :(

Sami
February 14, 2004, 10:27 AM
Originally posted by Carte Blanche
An old lady walked into a store got some
[Edited on 3-2-2004 by Carte Blanche]

Gross... yet funny... :lol:

Hasib
February 18, 2004, 03:43 AM
Isn't it really making fun of Bush... show what an idiot he is... :-/

Carte Blanche
February 18, 2004, 03:49 AM
Originally posted by Hasib
I found this on the net...

http://www.eidmubarak.com/new/cardfm.php?card=latifeidmubarak&cat=latif

This is not even remotely funny. Insulting, perhaps.

Navarene
February 18, 2004, 10:36 AM
Heaven playing cricket

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about Cricket. Satan proposed a match to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players like Sir Bradman & co and the best coaches as well."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

An extremely loyal fan

There was an english fan with a really crappy seat at Lord's. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big England cricket fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Rubu
February 24, 2004, 11:06 PM
Joke of the year........
Haven't laughted out so loud reading a joke in years.

fab
February 24, 2004, 11:24 PM
AgentSmith,
Personally I think i'd go with the the simplicity of black and white ;)

Bhaboghuray
February 26, 2004, 07:48 PM
Nowadays whatever happens in usa, bush finds the shadow of laden in it. this one is about that. consider a situation, bush is in his office, one after another secratary coming in and giving him news:
sec1: mr. bush, there is a plane crush in taxes.
Bush: bin laden has to pay for this.
sec2: mr. president, our share market is going down.
bush: this must be a conspiracy of bin laden.
sec3: mr. president, your wife just gave barth to a baby.
bush: bin laden must be responsible for this.

Rubu
March 2, 2004, 08:30 PM
Do not think that this joke is about any bangladeshi president or prime minister. its about a hypothetical country's hypothetical president/prime minister.

once a kid went inside bangho bhabon and wrote on the walls in big letters: Our President/Prime ministers head is full of cowdung.
This child was caught and was accused of two different charges. He got a sentence of 12 and a half years. the first convinction was about entering restricted area, for which he had a sentence of 6 months.
the second charge, for which he was sentenced for 12 years was, revealing national secret.

crickipagol
March 2, 2004, 11:52 PM
This post was edited for obscenity.

[Edited on 3-3-2004 by chinaman : Moderation.]

Hasib
March 6, 2004, 04:46 AM
knock knock

James90
March 6, 2004, 05:15 AM
Give up Hasib

Hasib
March 6, 2004, 08:27 AM
give wat up?

Shafi
March 6, 2004, 10:54 AM
Two rednecks met in a bar and agreed that they weren't going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college in order to get ahead. So they hop in a pickup truck and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes into one of the rooms and finds a professor, who advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.

The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do," grinned the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asked.

"Math, history and logic," replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his new friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?"

"No," his friend replied.

"You're gay, aren't ya?"

Shafi
March 6, 2004, 10:58 AM
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger approaches him and asks him what's the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not." (sob, sob)

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for! What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live!"

:fire:

Hasib
March 7, 2004, 04:05 AM
Originally posted by Shafi
Two rednecks met in a bar and agreed that they weren't going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college in order to get ahead. So they hop in a pickup truck and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes into one of the rooms and finds a professor, who advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.

The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do," grinned the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asked.

"Math, history and logic," replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his new friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?"

"No," his friend replied.

"You're gay, aren't ya?"

errr... wats a redneck?

Carte Blanche
March 7, 2004, 04:29 AM
LOL... That's American for Hasib. (J/K)

Kalbaisakhi
March 7, 2004, 04:49 AM
Originally posted by Hasib
An American came to watch a game of cricket. He watched the first over where the batsmen scored two runs. At the end of the over the Umpire called "Over" At this the American got up and said "Nice game, but it's a bit short".

I got this but it is really very funny.


:P:P:P:P:P:P


:flag::flag::flag::flag::flag:

Shafi
March 7, 2004, 04:52 PM
Bob and Bill are driving down the road, going about 85 mph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it.
Bill turns to Bob and says, "What the hell are you doing?"

Bob says, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time." So on they go -- and bam! -- 85 mph through another red light!

Again Bob says, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" Then they're driving along and approaching another red light. As soon as it turns green, Bob slams on the brakes and skids to a stop.

Bill looks over and yells, "What the hell is wrong with you, you jerk? The damn light is green. Why did you stop?"

Bob says, "My brother may have been coming the other way!"

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
WHY DON't U GUYS FIND MY JOKES FUNNY???:mad::mad:

Shafi
March 7, 2004, 05:03 PM
A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would find a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Field's and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double D."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Eight and five-eighths."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet saleswoman tallied up his bill and the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"
:lol:

Unknown
March 8, 2004, 12:45 PM
Heres a blonde joke for you guys:

A blondes TV stopped functioning beyond repair. She decides to buy a new one. Going to an electronics store she asks a salesperson if she could by the tv on display.

Salesperson replies by saying:

"Sorry we dont sell to blondes"

This makes the blonde return home and dye her hair brown. Shes now a brunette. She goes again to the store and asks.

"Can I buy that tv", pointing to the one on display again.

The salesperson replies again.
"Sorry we dont sell to blondes"

She goes home and shaves her hair off and the next day she goes to the store thinking no one will recognise her.

She asks a different sales person:

"Can I buy that tv?"

Salesperson replies, "Sorry we dont sell to blondes".

This makes her angry. She decides to change her appearance with plastic surgery and does so.

She again goes to the store and asks, "Can I buy that tv?"

Salespersoon replies, "Sorry we dont sell to blondes".

This made her really very angry. So she asks the salesperson how he knew that she was blonde after going through all that trouble to fool him.





The salesperson replies:




















































"THATS BECAUSE ITS A MICROWAVE NOT A TV!"




[Edited on 8-3-2004 by Unknown]

Nasif
March 8, 2004, 12:51 PM
Originally posted by Shafi

Bob says, "My brother may have been coming the other way!"


LOL! That was funny! :D

Nasif
March 8, 2004, 12:52 PM
Originally posted by Unknown

"THATS BECAUSE ITS A MICROWAVE NOT A TV!"

Wow, didn't expect that :D

Unknown
March 8, 2004, 01:17 PM
Well here is another one involving another dumb blonde. This time our blonde friend is a train driver. This is what happens on an ordinary day at work:

Basically there is a stretch of straight railway track for miles... The raiway track goes as such

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

But unfortunately our blonde friend drives the train as such:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She makes the train swerve on and off the track.

This makes all the passengers very sick, some vomit some even manage to do without a bathroom and are forced to use their pants (figure that one out).

Next day the the company she works for calls her for an investigation. The manager asks:

"Why did you drive the train in such fashion that the passengers become sick and crap their pants?"

She replies:

"Sir there was a man on the railway track"

"So why did you not run him over?", asks the manager.

So she replies:

"Sir thats what I was trying to do..."

Hasib
March 21, 2004, 07:42 AM
Originally posted by Carte Blanche
LOL... That's American for Hasib. (J/K)

Exactly what fun do u get out of making jokes about me?

[Edited on 21-3-2004 by Hasib]

fab
March 21, 2004, 04:44 PM
awww.. ignore them Hasib. They're just a bunch of losers :P

Rubu
March 25, 2004, 07:22 PM
Once American, British and Bangladeshi president/prime ministers get a chance to meet god and ask him question. First American president ask to God:
When will people in USA will live in complete peace?
God: After 50 years.
Pr: Oh! I can't wish to live that long!

Then it was british prime minister:

PM: When will people in england live in complete peace?
God: In 100 years.
PM: Oh! I can't with to live that long!

Of course now its Bangladeshi prime minister's turn:

PM: when people in bangladesh will live in complete peace?


God: Oh! I can't wish to live that long!

Nasif
May 3, 2004, 04:25 AM
Ok here's some:
When James Bond came to Bangladesh
James Bond is a stylish hero you know. Whenever people ask him of his name, he answers in his own branded style - "Bond, James Bond". Last year Bond came to Bangladesh for a quick visit. In Noakhali Swimming Complex, he met Pasha.
Pasha asked:
Hey, what's you name?
James Bond replied:
Bond
James Bond.
Then Bond asked Pasha the same: And what's yours?
Pasha replied:
Pasha
Choudhury Pasha
Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Abul Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha.
From that day on, whenever people ask Bond of his name, he simply replies James Bond.
<hr>

One man asks another man,
Man1: "Bhai, aapne koi gessilen?"
Man2: "Goru suri korte"
Man1: "bhai , eta aapne ki bollen"
Man2: "Goru suri te chal, dhal ar moshola kinlam".
Man1: "Bhai apnar desher bari koi?"
Man2: "Ken ami to noyakhailla".

Man1 smiles as he realized the other guy came from grocery!
<hr>

Ashol Gadha
class ey teacher dhookey student der bolllen akhaaney gadha chara baakee shobai boshey poro . shobai boshlo kintoo ekta chele darai roilo.teacher jiggesh korlo "ki tumee taholey ashol gadha" student ta bolllo "na sir apnakey eka darai thakte kharap lagchilo, tai apnakey shongo diey amio gadha holam".
<hr>

-Bhai....Apni ki gari kinlen?
--Bolbo
-Acha tikache....bolen
--Bollam na...Bolbo
-Boblo Boblo kortesen kintu bolen na ken
-Are bhai....Boblo garii kinchhi
<hr>

Surd's Love for cricket
Bagga: 'My girlfriend says that if I don't give up cricket she'll leave me.'
Jagga: 'Oh! that's very tough, Right friend?'
Bagga: 'Yeah, I'm going to miss her'.
<hr>

Answering Machine!
A sardarji, having bought a new phone with the latest model of answering machine had to disconnect it the very next day.
He was very disturbed when he heard his friend say, "abey, phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hoon".
<hr>

abhs
May 3, 2004, 06:32 AM
Brown and Robinson were two old men who were fierce rivals at cricket. One day, they decided to see who was the better player by having a game between them selves. Brown laboured for an hour to score twelve runs, but was bowled by the only straight ball he received. Both men were exhausted, and Robinson decided that he was too tired to bat and made for the pavilion, even though Brown had only to bowl at the empty wicket and break it to win.

As he lay slumped in the pavilion, an amused on looker strolled in and said, 'Congratulations.'

'What do you mean?' said Robinson.

'Haven't you heard?' said the spectator. 'Brown bowled thirteen wides!'

Navarene
May 3, 2004, 07:51 AM
Abul Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha

Reminds me one of my school mate. Believe it or not, his name goes like this: Abul Mukarrim Amanatullah Mohammed Mahzuzul Azeem Bazlee! (In a shorter form: A. Mu. A. Mo. Ma. A. Bazlee, thats how he used to sign in his exam sheet)

Though he used to allow us and the teachers to call him simply by Bazlee, and that was a great relief:snob:

Tintin
May 3, 2004, 08:26 AM
To drag cricket into this, some interesting cricketers :

ARRAPWRRKB Amunugama (http://www.cricketarchive.co.uk/Archive/Players/20/20228/20228.html)


SBHMWBTB Ellepola (http://www.cricketarchive.co.uk/Archive/Players/12/12180/12180.html)


AKTDGLAS de Silva (http://www.cricketarchive.co.uk/Archive/Players/12/12050/12050.html)

Carte Blanche
May 3, 2004, 08:55 AM
Laxman has quite a long name too, doesn't he?

[Edited on 3-5-2004 by Carte Blanche]

abhs
May 3, 2004, 09:25 AM
Originally posted by Carte Blanche
Laxman has quite a long name too, doesn't he?


His full name is- Vangipurappu Venkata Sai Laxman

Compared to the full names of the players mentioned by TinTin, not that long.

For instance, lets see the full name of Ranjith Amunugama.

Full name: Amunugama Rajapakse Rajakaruna Abeykoon Panditha Wasalamudiyanse Ralahamilage Ranjith Krishantha Bandara Amunugama

So, Laxman can not compete with Amunugama, Pasha or Mr. Bazlee.

[Edited on 3-5-2004 by abhs]

Rubu
May 3, 2004, 11:50 AM
talking about names, check out our rajin's full name.

Khondokar Mohammad Rajin Saleh Alam

one of my best friend wanted to add one more word at the end of his name so that during the computarized form fillup for SSC exam, the form will not have enough space to hold his name.

u know there are boxes that holds single letters.

Navarene
May 3, 2004, 08:24 PM
An Indian fan toured South Africa to watch India play in the African continent. He took his faithful dog Harbi with him.

During the first test in Cape Town Murthee Singh took his dog to the pub to watch the game. Both Murthee and Harbi wore orange clothes

"No dogs allowed" said the barman.

Murthee than pleaded with the barman that he has travelled all the way from India and the gatekeeper at Newlands did not allow him to take his dog into the ground and so he decided to watched the game in the pub. The sympathetic allowed Murthee in the pub

The game started. Harbi the dog stood on his hind legs and clapped each time the Indian batsmen scored a boundary.

"Thats a very smart dog you have" said the barman

"This is nothing!" shouted Murthee. "In the Indian subcontinent he does a triple summersault whenever India wins a match"

The barman was amazed and asked Murthee

"What does he do when India wins a game outside the Indian subcontinent"

Murthee looked a bit confused and than shout angrily,

"How should I bloody know!!!. I only have this dog for 18 years"

James90
May 4, 2004, 05:56 AM

Zephaniah
May 4, 2004, 07:50 AM
THIS IS NOT A JOKE


The Men's List:

Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

*Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is act of terrorism and we do not negotiate with terrorists.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

TigerFan
June 5, 2004, 01:26 AM
Lets post some funniest jokes here!:P

[Edited on 5-6-2004 by TigerFan]

Nasif
June 5, 2004, 01:54 AM
TigerFan:
I will merge your thread with the Joke thread. As it was continuing thread which went down under after some months.

[Edited on 5-6-2004 by nasif]

abhs
June 5, 2004, 02:35 AM
The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG): Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?
LG - No, my mummy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the present WEST INDIES Cricket team, they Can't beat anybody!!!

Nasif
June 5, 2004, 02:45 AM
abhs:
Now that was one funny joke!!! hahaha :D

mzia
June 6, 2004, 02:16 AM
A guy went to a Doc's chember. The doc asked him, " Whats the problem". He said, " My wife is short in ear. She cant hear anything." The Doc said, " Ok next time talk to her from 15 feet distance, if she cant hear anything then try 10 feet, then try 5 feet".

As the Doc said he went home and saw that he in the kitchen.

He asked his wife from 15 feet distance " What are you doing?"

she didnt reply, he asked the same thing from 10 feet, and she didnt reply againg. He asked her again from 5 feet distance but still no result.

So he shouted in front of her ear " WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" .

Then she replied, " THIS IS THE 4Th TIME I AM SAYING THAT I AM COOKING !!"

abhs
June 6, 2004, 02:20 AM
http://www.geocities.com/francesfo/smwd2.gif ... knew similar jokes, but enjoyed it again with different taste.

crickipagol
June 6, 2004, 07:31 AM
Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are air-tight. They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would check the car again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test. Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one of their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the cat was gone....

Enjoy!

crickipagol
June 6, 2004, 07:43 AM
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"


- Chris Rock

mzia
June 7, 2004, 08:50 AM
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read, fond of book.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of
fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she
wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided
to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance,
anchored, and returned to reading her book as usual.

Along came the sheriff in his boat.
He said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself,
"-- isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the fishing equipments.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,"
snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

AsifTheManRahman
June 7, 2004, 10:49 AM
nice one mzia

oracle
June 8, 2004, 02:34 AM
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters. Some of these are excellent, Don't
miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------

Q How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere...

mzia
June 8, 2004, 06:00 AM
ooppsss...

abhs
June 8, 2004, 06:52 AM
---------
A youngman was telling his friends, "My wife doesn't take her food without
me."
"Is it? Then you're very lucky. Does she remain without food even if you
reach home as late as midnight.?"
"Of course, it's I who has to cook."
---------
Boy: "Do you think now is a proper time to speak to your father, and ask
him for your hand in marriage?"
Girl: "Yes, he's got his shoes off."
---------
Doctor : "You have just half an hour to live. Do you want to see anyone?"
Patient : "Yes, another doctor"
---------
Teacher: " Narender, name two pronouns."
Student: "Who? Me?"
---------

Ruby : "John, have any of your childhood dreams been realized?"
John : "Yes, when my teacher used to pull my hair on late coming, I was
wished that I hadn't any."
---------

Quizmaster : "What is the chief cause of divorce?"
Participant : "Marriages"

---------
Wife: "Don't you think, dear, that a man grows wiser after marriage?"
Husband: "Yes, but it's too late then."
---------

"Excuse me lady. Did you see a policeman anywhere about here just now?"
"No, not at all. I haven't seen a sign of one."
"Okay, then hurry up and give me your purse and necklace."
---------

Teacher : "Om. Yesterday you left the school just after recess saying that
you had to attend your grandpa's funeral."
Om : "Yes, sir."
Teacher : "But your grandpa came in the afternoon enquiring about you."
Om : "That's right sir, but I am a staunch believer in reincarnation."
---------

A little girl went to the school for the first time. Her lady teacher
explained that if she wanted to go to the toilet she should raise her index
finger.
The little girl looked puzzled and asked, "How that's going to stop it?"
---------

Daughter: Mom, "I can't marry Pears, he doesn't believe in fate and hell."
Mother: "Please don't worry about that. You just get married to him, and he
will soon begin believing."
---------

On being asked from a nurse trainee "Why mother's milk is superior to any
other milk? She replied-
"Because it neither needs to be boiled nor can it be stolen, nor touched by
a cat."
---------
Boy: "Give me your telephone number, I'll call you up some times."
Girl: "It's there in the directory."
Boy: "Fine! And what's your name and address?"
Girl: "That's in the book, too!"

Cricket46
June 8, 2004, 03:05 PM
Oracle and abhs, I have not laughed so much in the recent past as I did today while reading some of these jokes.

Orpheus
June 11, 2004, 02:33 PM
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he''s on ecstasy!"

Nasif
June 11, 2004, 02:40 PM
Hahaha :D :D. Good one orphy :lol:

TigerFan
June 14, 2004, 09:35 PM
Here's a joke and enjoy:

Once St peter was reviewing few ppls application to enter the Heaven.

Then he called a man, & had a few conversation with him.

St Peter: What did U do, that I would consider u as a good man to enter heaven?
Man: Well, Once I found a woman in trouble, I helped her to get rid of that.
St Peter: How did u help her?
man: three man was disturbing a woman. So I stopped there & got the colar of the biggest & meanest gangman, gave him a heavy punch on hin nose, slapped him 4 times & told others "If U want to not get harmed, leave that girl"
St Peter: Good job son. When did all this happen?
man: only 5 mins ago.

TigerFan
June 14, 2004, 09:39 PM
[CENSORED]

[Edited on 16-6-2004 by Rajputro : Moderated]

Tokai
June 15, 2004, 03:41 PM
[CENSORED]

[Edited on 16-6-2004 by Rajputro : Moderated]

Mahmood
June 15, 2004, 07:13 PM
Let us please keep focus on the "Rated G" goal of this site.

chinaman
June 15, 2004, 07:34 PM
Please maintain a G rated environment at all times according to our posting guidlines.

We appreciate your help in this regard. Thank you.

mzia
June 16, 2004, 05:50 AM
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two
weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a
letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter
addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to
President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused
that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy
a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear
to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat:
down to write a thank you note to the Lord, which read

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you
had to send it through Washington D.C. and,
as usual, those jerks deducted $95....

TigerFan
June 16, 2004, 12:42 PM
mzia thats funny!!:great:

abhs
June 25, 2004, 05:39 AM
It was Bangladesh 2nd test in Sabina Park, Kingston, Jamaica. A Telephone Call comes to dressing room for Hannan Sarker.
Someone answers and says
"He has just gone out to bat to start Bangladesh's 1st innings"
"That's OK" says the caller, "I will hold on"!!!

abhs
June 25, 2004, 05:42 AM
The teacher had asked the class to write an essay on cricket. With only a few minutes left, one boy had written nothing. Suddenly, he looked up at the clock, grabbed his pen and scribbled something on the paper. The teacher read out his essay: "No play today. Rain."

Rain barrel and a...

What is the difference between a rain barrel and a bad fielder?
One catches drops; the other drops catches.



[Edited on 25-6-2004 by abhs]

TigerFan
July 4, 2004, 03:10 PM
Here's a joke:):
Once three army men from Pakistan, India & Bangladesh went to a western army training camp in U.s.a. One day after tea-break they went to the urinal.

First the pakistani went & did his work, after that he washed his hand & wiped that with a tissue paper. Other soldiers of different country asked "why did U do that?" He said "in Pma we are taught hygiene strictly."

Next went the Indian Soldier. He did His work & then just wiped his hand with a tissue paper. Others asked "Why didn't U take water to wash ur hand?" The man said "In Indian army we are strictly ordered to not waste any natural resources."

Last came the Bangladeshi soldier. He went in, did his work & just came out without washing hands or using any tissue paper. Others asked "Why didn't U washed or wiped ur hand?" He said "in Bangladesh army we are taught & strictly ordered to not piss on our hands"

TigerFan
July 5, 2004, 04:29 PM
:D:D
Once three proffessors of Mathemtics, Chemistry & Physics were taking a tour by a ship. Suddenly a cyclone hit the ship & all the people died except the three proffessors. They discovered themselves on a man-less island. But they were lucky, they got a few huge cans of food with them in the island. But the problem was it was quite heavy to break. All of them started to find a way to open up the cans.

The proffessor of physics started to calculate the weakest point of the can o that he can easily hit-open the can.

The proffessor of chemistry started to find the best chemicals so that he can blow the lid of the can but food inside that doesn't get any harm.

The proffessor of mathematics just bring them from their studies & told them "Hey guys U don't need to work to open the cans. I know a better way to open that." Two proffessors asked gladly "How would you open that?" "Easy man! We can assume that we've an axe."

mzia
July 6, 2004, 07:13 AM
At the prestigious estate auction, bidding was intense and cutthroat. The room was filled with scowling men and women, each determined to exploit any advantage at the expense of another.

Without warning the auctioneer paused the sale and announced,

"A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $3,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the crowd came the cry,

"Three thousand five hundred!"

Rubu
July 8, 2004, 08:42 PM
tiger fans teacher's joke remainds me of this one:

once in a highscool there were several science teacher who were really proud of themselves. the science teachers were physics, chemistry and math teachers. the head master asked the team to measure the height of the flag pole so that he can buy rope of right length to rise the flag. the group of three tryed several ways, such as:
*throughing the measuring tape toward the top of the pole.
*one standing on other's solder tying to reach the top and so on.

being unable to get the height they decide to cut the pole so they can measure seperately and add it up to get the length. then the bengali teacher came and ask whats the problem. they said, its nothing of his business and out of his ability since he'll a mere bengali teacher. upon insisting, they explained the problem to him. so the bengali teacher took to pole off laid it on the field and took the measurement. looking at this all 3 of them burst into laughter and said
"u idoit, we need to measure the height, not the width"

mzia
July 9, 2004, 12:39 AM
Width....amusing.....

Thanks Smith.

mati_o_manush
July 9, 2004, 02:39 AM
nice post....thanks to all...:clap:

Navarene
July 9, 2004, 02:51 AM
Not sure if this funny rhyme fits in this joke thread but I found it JOSSSSS!

Teishta bochor dhore
Pant-e shirt guje pore
Ar parchi na guru
Shei nursery theke shuru

Para-er joto chhele gulo
Shobar ghore bou alo
Ma bole mon diye poro
Ar parchi na Guru
Shei nursery theke shuru

Obosheshey maa-er doya holo
Ghor-e fut-fute bou alo
Ful shojjar raate
Ak gochcha mala hate
Bou ke Shudhai
"Amar jiboney tumi-i prothom
tomar jiboneyo ki ami tai ? "

Bou heshe bole
"Ar parchi na Guru
Shei nursery theke shuru"
:)

Nasif
July 9, 2004, 10:36 AM
hahaha :D
that was funny....

Rubu
July 9, 2004, 05:09 PM
i just read it in prothom-alo's supliment magagine "al-pin". i had a "crow scarying" laugh reading it. so, here is my effort to transilate it:

a girl went to varsity and fall in love with a boy. she told her parents that she want to marry this boy. so, the parents decided to find out how the boy is. they were surprised to find two completely different sets of comments about this boy. one, he is a real good boy, a jewel. the other, a killer who always carry guns. so, they decide to meet him and invited him to diner at their house. the boy arried, parked his car at the drive way and rang the bell. the younger sister of the to be bride opened the door. she invited him in and told him that her parents are not at home. after a while this sister of the to be bride told the boy that she saw his picture and fall in love, so she wants to marry him. not only that, she told that they are only two sisters without any brohters. so, all of their parents' property will be devided into two. she proposed him to kill her sister so that they can get all the properties. the boys did not agreed. but the girl kept convincing him. told him that her sister is asleep upstair and its really easy for him. all he needs to do is go and shoot her. so, they will be enjoying all the properties by themselves. he did not say a word and started to walk toward his car. when he was about to open the car the parents came out and told him that this was a test for him to find out if he actually was a killer. now, they have no doubt that he is a goody boy...

moral: keep your guns in the car, not with u.

krazy4koshi
July 10, 2004, 09:35 AM
2 men were walkin on a street smoking wen they passed a n article posted to a lamp abt 'how smoking harms'.. "oh," said one man, "i've read so much about smoking causing various illnesses that i've decided to give up reading!"

p.s. may sound corny.. but i found it funny

TigerFan
July 10, 2004, 12:27 PM
AgentSmith's last one is funny!:D :D

[Edited on 10-7-2004 by TigerFan]

Carte Blanche
July 10, 2004, 05:29 PM
I believe Agentsmith's last joke has been modified by Alpin to suit the Bengali readers. The real joke (which has been around for years now) is like... the guy is a player, and the younger sister tries to seduce him. He walks off towards his car, and his future father in law hugs him with tears of joy in his eyes: "We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter".

Moral of the story: Always keep your condom in the car.

mzia
July 11, 2004, 04:45 AM
Originally posted by Carte Blanche
I believe Agentsmith's last joke has been modified by Alpin to suit the Bengali readers.

And that was perfectly graded….

satan_the_king
July 14, 2004, 09:52 PM
Originally posted by nasif
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his rear off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make them all ugly again."

:D

Keep posting a joke for each day...



NICE CRAB JOKE MAN

satan_the_king
July 14, 2004, 09:56 PM
Originally posted by Hasib
An American came to watch a game of cricket. He watched the first over where the batsmen scored two runs. At the end of the over the Umpire called "Over" At this the American got up and said "Nice game, but it's a bit short".


Really cute joke man:great:

satan_the_king
July 14, 2004, 10:15 PM
Originally posted by mzia
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two
weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a
letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter
addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to
President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused
that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy
a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear
to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat:
down to write a thank you note to the Lord, which read

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you
had to send it through Washington D.C. and,
as usual, those jerks deducted $95....



:joy::lol: reallly funny

Nasif
July 15, 2004, 02:28 PM
<img src=http://www.kobitaogaan.com/forum/viewthread.php?action=attachment&tid=1755&pid=41714>

TigerFan
July 15, 2004, 06:35 PM
ha ha ha nasif bhai were did you get it?

Nasif
July 16, 2004, 09:01 PM
Here is another one :)

<img src=http://www.kobitaogaan.com/forum/viewthread.php?action=attachment&tid=1715&pid=41989>

TigerFan
July 17, 2004, 01:25 AM
little funny!

mzia
July 19, 2004, 06:18 AM
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide road safety competition.

And as a friendly query he asked, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a real jerk when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the Policeman and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk in back and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

BushidoTiger
July 19, 2004, 12:12 PM
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
Community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious
debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they
could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and
the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent"
debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other
for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved
my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all
our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First, he said to me that we had
three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours!' Then he
tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews. and I said
to him, 'We're staying right here.'"

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Nasif
July 19, 2004, 12:23 PM
hahaha :D :D
punch line was really funny!

TigerFan
July 19, 2004, 03:41 PM
ha ha ha ha ha

Navarene
July 19, 2004, 07:31 PM
Who declared our independence? was it Sheikh Mujib? Was it Ziaur Rahman? Nope, neither of the above two. But believe it or not, it was none other than great Mr. Mokhles (http://www.prothom-alo.net/newhtmlnews1/feature.php?CategoryID=17&Date=2004-07-19)!!!

Chapa baji koto prokar o ki ki, ta Jonab Mokhles-er kach theke shikhe nin

:lol:

Zobair
July 20, 2004, 12:54 AM
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."

Nasif
July 20, 2004, 01:22 AM
pompous ei joke-ta bhujhlam na :-/

shotti, kisui bujhi nai:exclamation: :(

Zobair
July 20, 2004, 01:36 AM
nasif...the pilots were actually blind! not that funny eh?!:umm:

Unknown
July 20, 2004, 10:31 AM
The humour isnt in the fact that the pilots were actually blind...


Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."


The humour lies in the fact that the pilots would actually take off after hearing the passengers screaming.... hence if they scream too late the pilots would be unable to take off... but the joke is a bit incomplete because it doesnt consider the landing situation :-/

Arnab
July 20, 2004, 10:43 AM
Haha! Thinking about what will happen when the plane is landing makes it an even more twisted joke. Classic.

Unknown
July 20, 2004, 10:55 AM
When it comes to landing....I was thinking that maybe the guide dog takes the cockpit?:duh:

[Edited on 20-7-2004 by Unknown]

Carte Blanche
July 20, 2004, 09:34 PM
Haha pompous, that was hilarious.

mzia
July 22, 2004, 01:49 AM
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancé and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows.

Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry. I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday." Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord Almighty, where they repeat their request.

The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I'll tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they come before the Lord Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m.,

But then ... after the couple were married a few short months had passed, and then suddenly realized what a terrible mistake they had committed, and just couldn't stay married to one another.

So they made another appointment to see the Lord Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven;
Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer in heaven?"

Cricket46
July 22, 2004, 01:28 PM
mzia that was funny.

nishy
July 22, 2004, 02:31 PM
mice1 m8

[Edited on 22-7-2004 by nishy]

BushidoTiger
July 22, 2004, 04:22 PM
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO DETROIT.....
(MUST BE READ WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT)

one day Ima gonna go Detroit to bigga hotel. Inna
morning i go down to eat breakfast. i tella waitress
i wanna two pissis toast. she bringa me only one piss.
i tella her i wanna two piss. she say go to the toilet, i say
u no understan, i wanna to piss onna my plate. she say u
betta no piss onna the plate, u sonna ma bitch. i don't even know
the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later i go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. the waitress
bringa me a spoon and knife but no fock. i tella her i wanna
fock. She tells me everyone wanna fock. I tella her u no understan.
i wanna fock ona the table. she say u better not
fock ona the table , u sonna ma bitch.

so i go back to ma room ina hotel and there are no shits
ona the bed. i call the manager and tella her, i wanna ****.
she say go to the toilet. i say u no understan, i wanna ****
ona the bed. she say u better no
**** ona the bed, u sonna ma bitch.

i go to the checkout and the man at the desk say
"peace to u". i say piss onna u too, u sonna ma bitch.
i gonna go back to Italy.

Navarene
July 22, 2004, 05:46 PM
..tempted to add one more italian fiasco:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

Carte Blanche
July 22, 2004, 09:21 PM
LOL Nav, your ones are hilarious.

TigerFan
July 22, 2004, 09:30 PM
he he he

sohel k
July 30, 2004, 09:55 AM
A man works on the 40th floor of a hundred story building. He was working away when all of a sudden some1 oppens the door and says 'Mr. Singh I'm really sorry to say this to u but ure daughter just died in a car accident!'. He became distraught and horrified and didn't know what to do. And in an impulse he jumps from the balcony of his office. When he reached the 30th floor he realised that he does not have a daughter. At the 20th floor he remembered he was not even married. By the tenth floor he thought 'wait a minute I'm not even Mr Singh'

TigerFan
July 30, 2004, 12:41 PM
Ak bar boro bhai dekhlo choto bhai tar pat hote bhat makhai khacche, to boro bhai rege gia bollo, tui amar pat theke bhat makhai khachish, amee tor pate gu makhai khabo.Huh!

Anybody heard it before?

Habibul_bashar
July 30, 2004, 12:57 PM
Originally posted by TigerFan
Ak bar boro bhai dekhlo choto bhai tar pat hote bhat makhai khacche, to boro bhai rege gia bollo, tui amar pat theke bhat makhai khachish, amee tor pate gu makhai khabo.Huh!

Anybody heard it before?
Yes I heard it before:great:

seraphic_devil
August 10, 2004, 08:41 AM
lol.. thaz real funny.. any more? bring 'em on...

Ibrahim
August 10, 2004, 10:50 AM
BD batsmen give up their wickts as like as the man (Mr. Singh)

mohd azam
August 25, 2004, 06:29 AM
Joke Of The Day
Banta fell in love with a college girl but did not know how to propose marriage to her. After much thinking he asked, "Sujata, would you like to be the mother of my children?" Sujata replied, "Why not? How many have you?"

moin747
August 25, 2004, 06:34 AM
Computer Problems


"Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant. May I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"

[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen."

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

[Pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

[Muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

[Still muffled] "I can't reach it."

"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[Clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I kept them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!"

[Slam]

Rubu
August 25, 2004, 06:49 PM
what moin forgot to tell is, this is a "100% true" conversation directly copied from the company's log. the tech guy got fired for doing this. but then, he sued the company for firing him without a reason. do not know what happened after that, but i got it confirmed that those were actual conversation.

Bangla Mostan
August 25, 2004, 06:51 PM
lol.. that is awful man....but keep it up guyz its hilarious

mzia
August 26, 2004, 05:34 AM
LAWYER CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM SUPER DUPER. . . .


SUPER : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

LAWYER: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

SUPER : Mac?

LAWYER: No, the name's Lou.

SUPER : Your computer?

LAWYER: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

SUPER : Mac?

LAWYER: I told you, my name's Lou.

SUPER : What about Windows?

LAWYER: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

SUPER : Do you want a computer with Windows?

LAWYER: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

SUPER : Wallpaper.

LAWYER: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

SUPER : Software for Windows?

LAWYER: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
appointment, Drafting, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

SUPER : Office.

LAWYER: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

SUPER : I just did.

LAWYER: You just did what?

SUPER : Recommend something.

LAWYER: You recommended something?

SUPER : Yes.

LAWYER: For my office?

SUPER : Yes.

LAWYER: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

SUPER : Office.

LAWYER: Yes, for my office!

SUPER : I recommend Office with Windows.

LAWYER: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

SUPER : Word.

LAWYER: What word?

SUPER : Word in Office.

LAWYER: The only word in office is office.

SUPER : The Word in Office for Windows.

LAWYER: Which word in office for windows?

SUPER : The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

LAWYER: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

SUPER : Yes, you want Real One.

LAWYER: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

SUPER : Real One.

LAWYER: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

SUPER : Of course.

LAWYER: Great! With what?

SUPER : Real One.

LAWYER: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

SUPER : You click the blue "1".

LAWYER: I click the blue one what?

SUPER : The blue "1".

LAWYER: Is that different from the blue w?

SUPER : The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

LAWYER: What word?

SUPER : The Word in Office for Windows.

LAWYER: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

SUPER : No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

LAWYER: It is?

SUPER : Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

LAWYER: And that word is real one?

SUPER : Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

LAWYER: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

SUPER : Money.

LAWYER: That's right. What do you have?

SUPER : Money.

LAWYER: I need money to track my money?

SUPER : It comes bundled with your computer

LAWYER: What's bundled with my computer?

SUPER : Money.

LAWYER: Money comes with my computer?

SUPER : Yes. No extra charge.

LAWYER: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

SUPER : One copy.

LAWYER: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

SUPER : Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

LAWYER: They can give you a license to copy money?

SUPER : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

Nasif
August 27, 2004, 12:34 AM
hahah :D :D very funny mzia. Long but really funny! :D :D :D

Carte Blanche
August 31, 2004, 02:35 PM
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Nasif
August 31, 2004, 09:42 PM
haha... very smart move:yawn: :lol:

mzia
September 1, 2004, 02:21 AM
Originally posted by Carte Blanche

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Nice one...

Rubu
September 1, 2004, 10:27 AM
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,
Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,
You know who

TigerFan
September 16, 2004, 06:00 PM
here's a sign check it out

:P (http://www.funnyville.com/fv/pictures/golfsign.shtml)

here's another one:

funnyville.com (http://www.funnyville.com/fv/pictures/toothbru.shtml)

ok, here's a funny one

funnyville.com (http://www.funnyville.com/fv/pictures/dengdeng.shtml)

funnyville.com (http://www.funnyville.com/fv/pictures/matrix.shtml)

Carte Blanche
September 16, 2004, 06:33 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* a half-gallon of 2% milk
* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon

She was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued
By the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied:

"Cause you're ugly."

mzia
October 7, 2004, 06:11 AM
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

>Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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> >Answer:
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>The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.



> >**** Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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>**** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this is
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> >*** Men Keep scrolling
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
>another point:
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> >
WOMEN NEVER LISTEN TO ANYBODY!!!

bourny3
October 7, 2004, 09:22 AM
Hahahahhhaha good joke i like it mzia. So true

rassel
October 7, 2004, 01:13 PM
I am not pleased! Deserve D-! :down:

Carte Blanche
October 29, 2004, 03:46 PM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So, next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh!t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body. "He did not say, "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the rub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Nasif
October 30, 2004, 01:09 AM
What is the difference between these two pictures? Watch closely? Can you identify the difference? Challenge yourself and Try it out:
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

Edited on, October 30, 2004, 6:09 AM GMT, by nasif.

TigerFan
October 30, 2004, 01:27 AM
ok u surprised me and the face is disgusting...ore baba:)

Edited on, October 30, 2004, 6:37 AM GMT, by TigerFan.

Fazal
November 24, 2004, 07:53 AM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from <b>Girlfriend 7.0</b> to <b>Wife 1.0.</b> I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, <b>Wife 1.0</b> installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as <b>Poker Night 10.3</b>, <b>Football 5.0</b>,<b> Hunting and Fishing 7.5</b>, and <b>Racing 3.6</b> no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep <b>Wife 1.0</b> in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to <b>Girlfriend 7.0</b>, but the uninstall doesn't work on <b>Wife 1.0.</b> Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from <b>Girlfriend 7.0 </b>to <b>Wife 1.0</b>, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. <b>Wife 1.0</b> is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete <b>Wife 1.0</b> and to return to <b>Girlfriend 7.0.</b> It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to <b>Girlfriend 7.0</b>because <b>Wife 1.0 </b>is designed to not allow this. Look in your <b>Wife 1.0 </b>manual under <b>Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.</b> I recommend that you keep <b>Wife1.0</b> and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application <b>"Yes Dear 1.1" </b> to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command <b>C:APOLOGIZE </b>because ultimately you will have to give the <b>APOLOGIZE </b>command before the system will return to normal anyway.

<b>Wife 1.0 </b>is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. <b>Wife 1.0 </b>comes with several support programs, such as <b>Clean and Sweep 3.0</b>, <b>Cook It 1.5</b> and <b>Do Bills 4.2.</b>

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program <b>Nag Nag 9.5.</b> Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of <b>Wife 1.0 </b>is to purchase additional software. I recommend <b>Flowers 2.1</b> and <b>Diamonds 5.0 </b>!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install <b>Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.</b> This application is not supported by <b>Wife 1.0 </b>and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support


Edited on, November 24, 2004, 4:16 PM GMT, by Fazal.

Beetle
December 6, 2004, 12:09 PM
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
I got all of them.

mzia
December 7, 2004, 06:14 AM
What a advice! thanks Fazal.

BushidoTiger
December 16, 2004, 06:37 PM
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are the 2003 winners:


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,

which lasts until you realize it was your money to

start with.


2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid

people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign

of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself

for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,

which renders the subject financially impotent

for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very

high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of

sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when

you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This

one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is

sending off all these really bad vibes, right?

And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like,

a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting

through the day consuming only things that are

good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas

to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance

performed just after you've accidentally walked

through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito

that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning

and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after

finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an

***.

desi_pride
January 7, 2005, 08:02 PM
[Moderated]

Edited on, January 8, 2005, 5:41 PM GMT, by Rajputro.

desi_pride
January 8, 2005, 03:03 PM
stupid blonde jokes

1- A blonde is so stupid that she trip over a cordless phone !

2- A blonde is so stupid that she tries to kill a bird by trowing it over a mountain !

3- A blonde is so stupide that she tries to drown a fish!

4- A blonde is so stupid that when you tell her make up you mind she puts lipstick on her forehead !

5- A blonde is so stupid that she spend hour's watching a juice box because it says "100% concentrate"

Edited on, January 8, 2005, 8:13 PM GMT, by desi_pride.

desi_pride
January 8, 2005, 03:05 PM
Originally posted by nasif
What is the difference between these two pictures? Watch closely? Can you identify the difference? Challenge yourself and Try it out:
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

Edited on, October 30, 2004, 6:09 AM GMT, by nasif.

that's it !

desi_pride
January 8, 2005, 03:12 PM
Another Blonde joke!

There is 3 girl in a island . A black, a brown and a blonde.
They are in the island for many weeks so the black girl decide to swim to the closest city it is about 20 miles.
The black girl swim and after she swimed 10 miles she drowned.
Then the brown girl decide to do the same thing she swimed 15 miles and then she drowned.
Then the blonde does the same thing and after she swimed 19 miles she telled her self " I'm not stupid . I'm not goig to drown myself like those two"
And she went back to the island.

Hasib
January 22, 2005, 10:17 AM
Originally posted by Kalbaisakhi
Originally posted by Hasib
An American came to watch a game of cricket. He watched the first over where the batsmen scored two runs. At the end of the over the Umpire called "Over" At this the American got up and said "Nice game, but it's a bit short".

I got this but it is really very funny.


:P:P:P:P:P:P


:flag::flag::flag::flag::flag:

AAHHH someone with a bit of taste (y didn't i notice this b4?!!!)

Fazal
January 27, 2005, 10:35 AM
<b>Biman Bangladesh Airlines has two types of international flights.</b>

-- Departure Flights
-- Arrival Flights


source:www.bangladeshonline.com (http://www.bangladeshonline.com/biman/flights.htm)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

<img src=http://img176.exs.cx/img176/6600/Biman.jpg width=550>


Edited on, January 27, 2005, 5:04 PM GMT, by Fazal.


Edited on, January 28, 2005, 5:50 AM GMT, by nasif.
Reason: Image width fixed

DJ Sahastra
January 27, 2005, 11:59 AM
Good One Fazal.

:lol::great:

cisco-guy
January 27, 2005, 06:02 PM
On the final hole of the golf course, Dave managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast the rest of your life.... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"

Then...POOF!...she was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?

Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

Dave yelled back, "DON'T SWING FRED! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!"

al
January 27, 2005, 06:49 PM
:bravo: good one

tiger_man
February 3, 2005, 04:27 AM
Originally posted by ehsan
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you
hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the
woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That
hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she
cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a
natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger.

didnt get the joke

tiger_man
February 3, 2005, 04:33 AM
Originally posted by Carte Blanche
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So, next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh!t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body. "He did not say, "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the rub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

simply hillerous.....best joke here

AsifTheManRahman
February 3, 2005, 11:48 AM
Originally posted by tiger_man
Originally posted by ehsan
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you
hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the
woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That
hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she
cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a
natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger.

didnt get the joke

blondes are dumb

Navarene
February 7, 2005, 09:10 PM
I stumbled across this today:

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home. He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Bessie looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?'

Bessie looks up and says, 'Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Sam yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!'

To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat.'

DJ Sahastra
February 7, 2005, 10:08 PM
Navarene,

Tumi BangladeshCrickete Prochondo popular hobe :lol:

Rubu
February 8, 2005, 10:14 PM
Writing Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

Begin:

------------------------------------------------------------


At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

------------------------------------------------------------


Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.

"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

-----------------------------------------------------------


He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

------------------------------------------------------------


Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The president, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

------------------------------------------------------------


This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

------------------------------------------------------------


Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

------------------------------------------------------------


Asxxxxx.

------------------------------------------------------------


Bixxx.

Nasif
February 11, 2005, 02:05 AM
Take a look... Ping Pong video (keep your sound on):

http://www.tokyodv.com/culture/matrixpong.html

:D:D:D

Edited on, February 11, 2005, 7:10 AM GMT, by nasif.

cisco-guy
February 14, 2005, 01:35 PM
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. "Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Spitfire_x86
February 14, 2005, 02:24 PM
:great: for #2 and #4.

Knew #3 before, didn't like #1 much

AsifTheManRahman
February 14, 2005, 04:26 PM
hahaha...a lot is said about engineers, including their ability to communicate in english, irrespective of nationality. being an engineering student myself, i understand that most of the accusations are untrue. however, who cares! :)

Rubu
February 14, 2005, 04:48 PM
off the same type, another one about engineer. btw, i'm a engineeing student as well.

a engineeing sitting in a pub getting drunk. a beautiful young lady comes to him and says, "i'll do anything, anything at all, does not matter what that is, for $100. with only one condition, u've to tell it in 3 words only". the engineer thogut for a second and says "paint my house".

cisco-guy
February 14, 2005, 05:20 PM
Originally posted by AgentSmith
off the same type, another one about engineer. btw, i'm a engineeing student as well.

a engineeing sitting in a pub getting drunk. a beautiful young lady comes to him and says, "i'll do anything, anything at all, does not matter what that is, for $100. with only one condition, u've to tell it in 3 words only". the engineer thogut for a second and says "paint my house".

Good one Agentsmith:great:

Here is another one:

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"


Here you go Business Majors!! No competition for the Engineers!!:)

Rubu
February 14, 2005, 09:16 PM
another one about engineers. off the same sort though

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat.

In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she said. "Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

cisco-guy
February 14, 2005, 09:49 PM
Ha Ha Ha :great:

fab
February 14, 2005, 10:51 PM
This is not really a joke, but which one is the astrophysicist?

http://www.wbglinks.net/pages/watchmen/pictureswbg/pics4/vixie3.jpg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Vixie)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/sv/thumb/0/01/170px-AdaLovelace1.jpg (http://www.sdsc.edu/ScienceWomen/lovelace.html)

http://profiler.hp.infoseek.co.jp/img/chistie0.jpg (http://www.mynottinghill.co.uk/nottinghilltv/revealed3.htm)

http://www.fiorella.com/portrait2.gif (http://www.fiorella.com/fiorprofile.htm)

Guess right? :)

Zunaid
February 14, 2005, 11:25 PM
Without clicking on the link

1. The Senmail guy
2. Ada Lovelace
3. ?
4. The Italian Physicist Opera singer

fab
February 14, 2005, 11:35 PM
Wow! well done, and the pic of Paul Vixie is not even a very good one. I knew most might be able to get Ada, but I only recently came to know about Dr Fiorella Tirenzi. The third one is John Christie, a British serial killer!

Zunaid
February 14, 2005, 11:42 PM
Originally posted by fab
Wow! well done, and the pic of Paul Vixie is not even a very good one. I knew most might be able to get Ada, but I only recently came to know about Dr Fiorella Tirenzi. The third one is John Christie, a British serial killer!

I have the O'Reilly Sendmail book :) And saw a report on discovery on Fiorella. And I will not be true to my geek self if I did not recognize Ada Lovelace. As for the third guy, I was almost convinced he was one of the Kim Philby lot.

Pundit
February 15, 2005, 12:19 AM
Who is Ada Lovelace ? Kim Philby's forehead was a tad wider - all the more for the Russians to love him, maybe ?

Pundit
February 15, 2005, 12:31 AM
Oh yes, the Babbage girl ! Never heard of Paul Vixie though.

fab
February 15, 2005, 05:18 AM
Paul Vixie is probably only known in 'networking' circles...

fab
February 15, 2005, 05:44 AM
Okay, here are some more.. And no cheating!

Easy-peezy
http://www.edinformatics.com/great_thinkers/152px-Alan_Turing.jpg


Most of you SHOULD get this
http://www.bangalinet.com/image/greatmen/netaji/netajisubhas.jpg


I would be VERY surprised if anyone got this (legitimately)
http://bousculade.free.fr/img/histoire/corday1.jpg

Arnab
February 15, 2005, 07:18 AM
Wow, this must be the really nerdy side of fab. In a joke thread nonetheless. I wonder what has caused this to happen.

Edited on, February 15, 2005, 12:19 PM GMT, by Arnab.

Spitfire_x86
February 15, 2005, 08:49 AM
First one is Alan Turing, Second one is Netaji Subhas Bose, Third one is Charlotte Corday

Edited on, February 15, 2005, 1:50 PM GMT, by Spitfire_x86.

fab
February 15, 2005, 10:13 PM
Originally posted by Spitfire_x86
Third one is Charlotte Corday
Well done kiddo!! How did you get Charlotte? (View Source?)

And it's not really nerdy, was just surprised that someone could recognise both Paul Vixie AND Fiorella Tirenzi (who doesn't look like your average astro-physicist).

Spitfire_x86
February 16, 2005, 07:58 AM
Right clicked on image-->properties-->image location (filename was corday1)-->Searched Encarta 2005 for Corday, found Charlotte Corday but no picture-->Google Image Search for confirmation.

Yameen
February 16, 2005, 02:32 PM
No disrespect to India, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh or Pakistan.

ok, a bangladeshi, an indian, a sri lanka and a pakistani, were all gathered round talking to eachother about their native lands. The Indian guy said 'oh, we have the Taj Mahal, the most beautiful building in the world that no the other country can match etc etc', the Sri Lankan guy said 'oh, we have the best beaches in the world, with clear see through waters that no other country can match etc etc', the pakistani guy said 'oh, we have the best flag in the world, the most meaningful flag in the world that no other country can match etc etc'. Then the Indian, Sri Lankan and Pakistani guys all asked the Bangladeshi guy, about his country and its best feauture. The bangladeshi guy replied, 'oh, we have a Khutta (dog), he p*sses in beaches of Sri Lanka, he sh*ts on the Taj Mahal and he wipes his as* with the flag of Pakistan.

Please tell me, if you found this joke funny and please dont be insulted.

bdlocal
February 16, 2005, 02:48 PM
it was funny..........
This one I found in bdsdf....

Once three army men from Pakistan, India & Bangladesh went to a western army training camp in U.s.a. One day after tea-break they went to the urinal.

First the pakistani went & did his work, after that he washed his hand & wiped that with a tissue paper. Other soldiers of different country asked "why did U do that?" He said "in Pma we are taught hygiene strictly."

Next went the Indian Soldier. He did His work & then just wiped his hand with a tissue paper. Others asked "Why didn't U take water to wash ur hand?" The man said "In Indian army we are strictly ordered to not waste any natural resources."

Last came the Bangladeshi soldier. He went in, did his work & just came out without washing hands or using any tissue paper. Others asked "Why didn't U washed or wiped ur hand?" He said "in Bangladesh army we are taught & strictly ordered to not piss on our hands"

cisco-guy
February 18, 2005, 06:07 PM
Here is one for Friday afternoon delight :)


Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

nishyx
February 21, 2005, 06:18 AM
wow cool lol

Rubu
February 21, 2005, 11:25 AM
WC back nishy the dog.

hope u've learned your lessons and will be a "lawful member of the society" from now on.

sasa
February 24, 2005, 02:00 PM
Rich lawyer


A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United
Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital,
and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three
divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one
to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for
money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money,
why should I give you any?"

***

A pick pocket


A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said
"Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my
lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him
a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

desi_pride
February 24, 2005, 08:21 PM
Originally posted by sasa
Rich lawyer


A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United
Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital,
and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three
divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one
to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for
money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money,
why should I give you any?"

***

A pick pocket


A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said
"Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my
lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him
a few minutes in the crowd. . ."


:great: jokes !

guy_zin
March 13, 2005, 08:38 AM
Many foreign colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up a perfect E-Mail address for the individual concerned. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

[edit]

-courtesy :laughy.

Edited on, March 13, 2005, 7:01 PM GMT, by chinaman.
Reason: Please maintain G rating, thanks.

Rubu
March 13, 2005, 12:26 PM
funny until that "chinse dude" reads it.

AsifTheManRahman
March 13, 2005, 06:19 PM
Originally posted by AgentSmith
funny until that "chinse dude" reads it.

huh? where's the link?

Rubu
March 14, 2005, 12:13 AM
what u mean asif? u invented the word chinise dude. to understand what i meant read the post of guy_zin right before mine.

AsifTheManRahman
March 14, 2005, 12:15 AM
oh ok never mind...been late in responding to my surroundings recently :(

guy_zin
March 14, 2005, 04:45 AM
Edited on, March 13, 2005, 7:01 PM GMT, by chinaman.
Reason: Please maintain G rating, thanks. [/quote]

I am apologizing for any unintended wrongdoings in selecting my jokes .i sure will be more carefull ...thanks

akabir77
March 14, 2005, 08:25 AM
Do u know what Michel Jackson says to the priest???




I saw the boy first.

Xavier
March 15, 2005, 11:18 AM
A bitter joke about the world we live in, I don't know if you have already heard it.

>>>United Nations start a poll on the whole planet:
"Honestly, what is your opinion about the lack of wealth in the rest of the world?"

The Africans answer that they don't know what the word "wealth" is.
The Europeans say they don't know what "lack" means.
The Americans don't know what the "rest of the world" is.
The Chinese say they don't know the meaning of "what is your opinion".
Besides, all over the world politicians ignore the existence of the word "honestly"...


Hope nobody feels offended
;)

Fazal
March 15, 2005, 02:29 PM
Khaisee Amaree... Chinese Man Neyeea Moskora:-/

AsifTheManRahman
March 15, 2005, 03:29 PM
i don;t know the meaning of the word "offended" ;)

Xavier
March 15, 2005, 04:12 PM
Originally posted by Fazal
Khaisee Amaree... Chinese Man Neyeea Moskora:-/

Sorry, I can't speak Bangla.
The sentence about the chinese people refers to the fact that they don't leave in a democracy, so they are not allowed to express their opinion (remember Tien An Men), that's all.

Xavier
March 15, 2005, 04:16 PM
Originally posted by AsifTheManRahman
i don;t know the meaning of the word "offended" ;)

It'a a good start to leave a happy life!

What about adding a sentence to the joke:
"The Indo-Paki-Bangla-SriLankans did not answer to the question because they were too busy playing cricket!":)

Rubu
March 15, 2005, 06:16 PM
people living in usa would understand it better, anyway. the revalry between fbi, cia, and the local police dept. (say lapd in this case) is well known. once the president (not bush though, he does not know the difference) wanted to bring this to an end. he realised a rabbit in the forest and asked the 3 dept to bring the rabbit back, whoever can do it will be the best. first the fbi tryed. they sent 3 of their best agents. they asked and question every single animal and plants in the forest, searched every single corner of it and came back saying that the rabbit has left the forest. then went the cia agents. they came with the information that the rabbit has a collaboration with foreign terrorist and are playing an attack on the city, they requested full scale assult and to blow the forest right away. then went lapd. they came back within half an hour with a big black bear, severely beaten. the bear was yelling, ok, ok, i'm a rabbit, please dont beat me anymore.

the president gave up.

couger
March 17, 2005, 06:27 PM
SHORT STORY

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things: (1) Religion, (2) Sexuality, and (3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story:

"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."

couger
March 18, 2005, 09:58 PM
Edited on, March 19, 2005, 5:25 AM GMT, by couger.

Rubu
March 19, 2005, 12:16 AM
posted, or should i say, pasted before.

couger
March 19, 2005, 12:27 AM
Originally posted by AgentSmith
posted, or should i say, pasted before.

Gone.

AsifTheManRahman
March 22, 2005, 10:47 PM
here's my contribution, borrowed from seniority.co.uk





"The Funny Side of Cricket" sent in by Mark Lebbon



As the batsmen passed the man in the white coat, he said,

"That was never LBW - you need glasses."

And the man in the white coat replied, "so do you mate, I'm selling ice-cream."





Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson were a fearsome combination, both on and off the green. An interviewer once said to Lillee,

"Tell me, Dennis, what would you do if you discovered you had only 30 minutes to live?"

Dennis said: "I'd make love to the first thing that moved."

"And what would you do Mr Thomson?"

and Thommo said, "I wouldn't move for half an hour."






"Wicket keepers", says Pat, "are all the same in one way. There is no two of them alike."






My wife is really silly, last week she said I treat cricket as a religion. I told her not be so silly. But if she wanted to discuss it could she please wait until the Reverend Benaud and Father Bill Lawry had finished speaking.




Q. How do you recognise an Australian cricketer at Lord's?
A. He's the one holding the Ashes.

fab
April 6, 2005, 08:26 PM
On no! What's happening to the banglacricket website (http://www.netdisaster.com/go.php?mode=ufo&destruction=massive&url=http://www.banglacricket.com)? :o

Ovi Khan
April 8, 2005, 08:53 PM
One day three farmers went to town and saw a sign it said "fair pig contest biggest one wins". And the only pig they had was a small little one.
So they stuck a cork up it's butt and kept feeding it.
The next day at the fair, the farmers won the pig contest, but then the judges saw the cork in the pig's but.
Then they hired a monkey to take the cork out, so he did the next thing they noticed they were in the hospital.
The nurse asked what happened, the first farmer said all I remeber was stuff flying all over the place, the second farmer said all I remeber people running all over the place, the third farmer said all I remember was that poor poor monkey trying to put the cork back in the pig's butt.

Ovi Khan
April 8, 2005, 11:37 PM
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

Daddy_Mac
April 15, 2005, 09:01 AM
How about this....
one day a girl was playing beside the road...then..
a dog was coming to sttack her but a men ran and kicked the dog and the dog died...
From a distance a man came saying he was a journilst and he congertulated the man and said tommrow in the newspapers headline you will see
"A New Yorker saves a child"
the man replied "I am not from New York"
Then the journilist said"then, A American saves a young girl"
The man replied"I am not an American"
The jornalist says"Who the hell are you?"
The man replies"Pakistani"
Next morning the pakistani buys a news paper and sees the head "A pakistani killed a innocent dog!"

Daddy_Mac
April 20, 2005, 01:17 AM
Punishment in Heaven

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

Daddy_Mac
April 20, 2005, 01:26 AM
The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''if it happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Spitfire_x86
April 28, 2005, 01:56 PM
Click for the original page (http://www.winxpcentral.com/jokes/secretary.php)

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I Fired My Secretary
Author: Digital Dave
Date: 26-Apr-2005
Modifed: 26-Apr-2005

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The kids came to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Well, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's stop by my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there . . on the couch . . . naked......
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edited on, April 28, 2005, 7:01 PM GMT, by Spitfire_x86.

Ahmed_B
April 28, 2005, 02:59 PM
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Spitfire_x86
April 28, 2005, 04:17 PM
good one, but read it before :)

GuruTM
November 14, 2005, 06:56 AM
Another computer Program joke

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,
Troubled user.
************************************************** ************************************************** ********************
Dear Troubled user,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support



Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear Troubled user,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

thebest
November 15, 2005, 04:18 AM
Q. Define Politician?
A. One who takes 20$ from you , returns 10$ and says we are even, because both of us lost 10$.
************************************************** **********
In a cemetry plaque there is written " Mr Smith, a lawyer and good man. A passerby ask the pastor why they put two men in the same grave.

Edited on, November 15, 2005, 9:19 AM GMT, by thebest.
Reason: grammer correction

Rubu
November 16, 2005, 08:44 PM
Not sure this been posted before or not. But its still lots of fun for those who did not read it before:

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.


PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you. You ask
the US for financial
aid, China for military aid, British for warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology, French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.

You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation
by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.

You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put
the blame on some nation with cows and naturally that
nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years,
eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
you count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

BANGLADESH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know economy.
You choose one of them as the Prime Minister of the
country and the other as the Leader of the Opposition.

Edited on, November 17, 2005, 12:58 PM GMT, by Rubu.

Hatebreed
November 16, 2005, 08:59 PM
Lmao that gave me a chuckle :lol:

"RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
you count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka"


:D

GuruTM
November 16, 2005, 08:59 PM
Nice cow jokes Rubu. Indian and pakistani cows. Classic.

GuruTM
November 18, 2005, 06:09 AM
1st Day Cab Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

VladMamu
November 18, 2005, 06:54 AM
great jokes guys. I was getting too serious in all the threads, and my drugs course, argh! I had some great laughs, keep it up.

Team Manager, this one made me laugh out laud and wake my wifee. (i'm studying 4 in the morning) great joke. lol.:great:

AsifTheManRahman
November 18, 2005, 10:39 AM
she's gonna leave you man, she's gonna leave you *looks towards floor and shakes head in dismay*

guy_zin
November 20, 2005, 05:33 AM
not sure though whether posted earlier by anybody or not...

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b35/sazzad/without_windows_or_gates.jpg

thebest
November 22, 2005, 10:59 AM
DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I dis not scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

Sauron
November 22, 2005, 01:05 PM
Originally posted by cisco-guy
On the final hole of the golf course, Dave managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast the rest of your life.... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"

Then...POOF!...she was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?

Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

Dave yelled back, "DON'T SWING FRED! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!"

Only recently catching up with this thread. This one rocks!
:lol::lol::lol:

Sauron
November 22, 2005, 01:07 PM
Originally posted by Navarene
I stumbled across this today:

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home. He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Bessie looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?'

Bessie looks up and says, 'Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Sam yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!'

To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat.'

Definitely not "G-Rated" ...

Loved it! :great::great:

GuruTM
November 27, 2005, 01:57 AM
Farting Your Guts Out

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

GuruTM
November 27, 2005, 02:08 AM
Old Innocent Lady

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:

"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."

"Oh, that's ok," he said.

"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy."

The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.

"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.

"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"

"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."

guy_zin
November 29, 2005, 07:18 AM
....I once said Gazza's IQ was less than his shirt number and he asked me: "What's an IQ?"

George Best (one of the most naturally gifted player football fans ever seen &who died only 4 days ago) on Paul Gascoigne.

guy_zin
November 30, 2005, 09:21 AM
waiting for the day when siddique miah aka bangla bhai & his guru gonna caught ,& newspapers publish some pics like this one...

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b35/sazzad/robbers203ap.jpg

Fazal
November 30, 2005, 03:11 PM
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/41075000/jpg/_41075360_sleepingmidshipmen_ap416.jpg
Navy students in the US state of Maryland sleep in [.....] an address by President George Bush.

GuruTM
November 30, 2005, 08:23 PM
Is that for real or you have just made it up? Anyway its funny.

fab
December 1, 2005, 09:44 PM
Originally posted by guy_zin
waiting for the day when siddique miah aka bangla bhai & his guru gonna caught ,& newspapers publish some pics like this one... That's a terrible picture. They might be crimminals but they are human beings.. sheesh.

Anyhow, I know there are a few programmers/software developers on this forum - http://www.thedailywtf.com/ - it's good for those days you aren't happy with your solution or trying to maintain the awful spagetti code you wrote 3 years ago :)

Kana-Baba
December 4, 2005, 02:08 PM
moderator please consider to make this thread sticky.

Edited on, December 4, 2005, 7:08 PM GMT, by Kana-Baba.

Orpheus
December 12, 2005, 12:44 AM
Hey guys... I have a great joke!!! I got nothing to do right now.. So I will share this with you:

Nationality........by Orpheus

What do you call a guy who is from Iran?
Ans. Irani

What do you call a guy who is from Pakistan?
Ans. Pakistani

What do you call a guy who is from Sudan?
Ans. ?

GuruTM
December 12, 2005, 01:13 AM
Originally posted by Orpheus
Hey guys... I have a great joke!!! I got nothing to do right now.. So I will share this with you:

Nationality........by Orpheus

What do you call a guy who is from Iran?
Ans. Irani

What do you call a guy who is from Pakistan?
Ans. Pakistani

What do you call a guy who is from Sudan?
Ans. ?

I am sure the guy who wrote this joke is from chittagong. Good joke.

AsifTheManRahman
December 12, 2005, 01:14 AM
yes, he is.

thebest
December 12, 2005, 07:03 AM
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!And this is sent to you by a Bangladeshi , using Bill Gates' technology Which he enjoyed stealing from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is Globalization!