View Full Version : Tendulkar fans dumbfounded by shocking revelations

February 22, 2005, 03:56 AM
Average Aslam thrilled with inclusion in Pak team for Indian tour
By our average correspondent


Bhattian: As the final squad for Pakistans cricket tour of India was announced today, the reactions of those chosen to represent Pakistan were understandably that of jubilation. However, in one household in Sammasatta, Punjab - the reaction was that of disbelief and utter fascination. For it is from this town in Punjab, known usually for such famous sites as its beautiful railway junction, that the Pakistan selectors have chosen one of the newest members of the squad. This player has been named as 38 year old Aslam Khan, who plays for Punjab Railways B Team. According to unnamed anonymous sources, he was informed of his selection yesterday at 10:07am, by a call from the chairman of selectors , Wasim Boring.

Today, Aslams house in downtown Sammasatta wore a festive look as hordes upon hordes of well wishers, onlookers and their cattle surrounded the property. Banners hastily erected in front of the house depict pictures of Aslam in his favourite T-shirt and dhotti ( sarong type clothing worn in Punjab ). As kids and elders danced to the latest Boney-M number, people jostled to have a view of the local hero. The mood was of unbridled joy and as a town elder put it succinctly, "Aslamay Nay to kamal kitta, Dhotti phar kay roomal Kitta !! Oi Hoi, Aye Hai" (translation. The inclusion of one Aslam Khan of this town has brought untold good fortune to our community and we demand more money for TheSourceNews, our donation lines are now open and operators are standing by to accept your payments)

As Aslam relaxed on a sofa in his living room cum bedroom cum kitchen with his 10 brothers on his side, we were amazed by his sense of down to earthiness, which is in direct contrast to many other cricketers in our country and that ENGLISH coach in particular. When asked about his achievements so far, he is very modest "I only played 3 matches this season as the main bowlers were afflicted by typhoid and I missed most of the matches due to an injury caused by inhalation of fumes at a local garbage processing facility. I mean my average is 135 - in bowling that is, and batting - well I didnít too well this year ( avg= 0.0987) - I also make a mean glass of Lassi - that may have helped my cause". When told that he had been picked as a batting all-rounder, Aslam is naturally shy to blow his own trumpet "I hope I will do like Irfan Pathan Bhai did".

Our sports correspondent adds:

Aslam Khans inclusion has caused a ripple of excitement in Pakistani fans who now patiently await the arrival of Pakistans newest prodigy. One such young fan from Little kiddies Kindergarten in Lahore claimed "Isnít this how Tendulkar was also picked up ? near an ice cream van ? I mean, we have the most talented players in our team and Aslams inclusion is no surprise". he further added that those opposed to Aslams inclusion are enemies of Pakistan and must be dealt with accordingly.

At the PCB, the mood was of utter and undisguised hysteria. As PCB executives danced to the famous Punjabi tune "Ballay Ballay" (translation: Ballay Ballay ), it was clear that Pak cricket had reached a major milestone. Wasim Boring ,the PCB Chairman ( freshly out of therapy from Mayo clinic ) had this to say "Due to our revolutionary selection process, the element of doubt has been removed and we have now picked potential match winners". When this correspondent pointed out that Aslams record of 11 successive ducks and 200 no balls was a record many would question, Boring interrupted by saying that he did not see the relevance of such simplistic analysis - he then fainted and was readmitted to the Mayo where he remains, again, under observation.

Finally, when questioned Bob Woolly, Pakistans ENGLISH/FORIEGN coach ( who is paid in US dollars and enjoys such perks as knee operations ), declined to comment on this saying that although he did see a role for Aslam in the Pak team, using him as a player was stretching it a little too far.


Like what you see ? If so, pls visit my Satire site :

for more zanny stuff !

Edited on, February 23, 2005, 12:04 PM GMT, by GreenAadmi.

February 22, 2005, 07:18 AM
hahah that was funny. and weird

February 22, 2005, 08:22 AM
Thanks bourny3 - it was meant to be wierdly humorous ( if there is a term like that !) Just the crazy things that happen in Pak cricket mixed with a bit of poetic license.....glad u liked it.

DJ Sahastra
February 22, 2005, 02:53 PM
Hey GreenAadmi,

You should read my post on "Raftar-E-Pakitan", Zubair Al Zabbar :).

February 23, 2005, 03:29 AM
Ok now heres another one for you guys:

Tendulkar fans dumbfounded by shocking revelations
By our investigations correspondent

Mumbai: Cricket fans accross India have been stunned by revelations from Dholki.com (an Indian media organization , specializing in tantalizing and embarrassing exposures of the rich, famous and the plain ugly ) that Sachin Tendulkar, Indiaís master batsman is indeed Sania Mirza the latest tennis prodigy in disguise. These startling revelations have come to light in a documentary filmed by Dholki.com and aired on a private satellite channel last night. The film shows Sania Mirza cleverly disguised as the master batsman, putting on a Sachin mask, complete with MRF earrings and Samsung shoes and cap, driving off in his tax exempt Ferrari.

As millions watched the documentary in stunned silence on TV last night, the question on everyoneís lip was "could it be true ?". To answer this rather simple but mathematically complex question, TheSourceNews spoke to the maker of last nights documentary, very cleverly titled "The S Mystery - Sachin, Sania or both?" The award winning filmmaker, MP Krishnan was unapologetic when confronted by your correspondent. He said "Look we have now unearthed a major scandal or truth to be clear, and everyone is beating up their chests or even chest beating!". He continued "We knew something was funny when Sachin complained about a tennis elbow at almost the same time as Sania was busy playing in the tennis tournament - nobody knew why and guess what happens when the Sania finishes the tournament? He is suddenly FINE - now if that isnt a coincidence, what is?". As he lit another cigarette which smelled pungent and felt kinda good - he spoke again "This Sachin thinks he can fool us Indians with some bull about holding the bat this way or that way - but now we can prove that the injury was caused due to playing Tennis and not Cricket!".

MP Krishnan then produced 2 pictures of the Tennis star and Sachin, proving beyond any shade of doubt that the two are the same.

http://www.geocities.com/men_green_pakistan/sania.jpg http://www.geocities.com/men_green_pakistan/Ganguly.jpg

In Mumbai, the Wankhede stadium wore a deserted look. As shocked and silent ground staff went about their jobs digging a hole here and there on the pitch, some spoke of their fears and disappointments. For Mig-a-nath Bachan, an octogenarian in charge of painting the electrified fences, which will separate the good-natured fans from the players in the upcoming series with Pakistan, life could not get any crueler. True that he had already suffered due to incompetence of BCCI when someone turned on the electricity WHILE he was painting, he does consider this the final straw. He said "For years I have looked on proudly as generation after generation of Indian cricketers did this land proud but today, I am a broken man - Mind you some of us knew that something was amiss. Have been telling everyone for years that you cant get a tennis injury by playing cricket - no one hears us old people! What really hurts me now is that we will never know if the other players are also leading a double life - what if, if Harbajan turns out to be Zaheer Khan, our fastest bowler ? Hey hang on, didnt Harbajan open the bowling attack once, didnt he?"

Our sports correspondent adds:

Indian cricketers of yesterday, today and tomorrow have all expressed their condemnation of the Sachin. In a statement read out in front of newsman (TheSourceNews were the only organization invited to this ), the legendary Indian born bowler, Abey Kuruvilla said " We the Indian cricketers of yesterday, today and tomorrow condemn Sachins actions". In private, Abey admitted that this was no surprise to the players as they had seen Sachin smashing bowling all over the park "like it was a tennis ball or something". Navjot Sidhu, another player of note quipped in his usual hysterically funny manner "You can take a Sachin out of Sania but you cant take a Sania out of Sachin - ha ha ha". As most present tried to make sense of that statement, he quickly noted this down in a notebook to repeat adnauseum on TV.

Finally, among the newer players, when questioned Rahul Dravid was steadfast in his support. He spoke to us after finishing a nets session at a local stadium - he said "Look Sachinís a great player and great players can take on any shape they want - personally I donít believe this trash". He then merrily put on a sari and a Sonia Gandhi mask, leaving us in shock, as he drove away with her bodyguards.

[TheSourceNews or is it the TheNewsSource ?]
For more funny stuff, pls visit :

Edited on, February 23, 2005, 9:32 AM GMT, by GreenAadmi.

February 23, 2005, 07:34 AM
GreenAadmi is BlueAadmi in disguise seeing how much he knows about Indian players.;)

February 23, 2005, 07:41 AM

Not really - just what I read in the news like most others - just commenting on the stupidity of the so called journalists in our times !

February 23, 2005, 08:46 AM
Sachin on steroid???

Edited on, February 23, 2005, 1:46 PM GMT, by akabir77.

February 23, 2005, 09:13 AM
Are u referring to the pic ? Its deliberate to show the ignorance of the some of the journalists who profess to know about cricket.

These articles are from my personal website on Satire called TheSourceNews ( http://www.geocities.com/men_green_pakistan/TheSourceNews.html)

What is TheSourceNews ?

Have you ever wondered who the "source" is in all the stories about Pakistani and Indian cricket and how some journalists in the cricketing world, have made careers out of quoting "unnamed sources" and attributing their personal views to these mysterious and unnamed "sources"? If so, you have come to the right place!!

On this site we attempt to write short stories on current issues and give these the "source" flavour - thus the name, TheSourceNews ! Hopefully this will expose the mediocrity that is creeping into cricket journalism today, and also provide a few laughs on the way !

February 24, 2005, 12:40 AM
A truly great site, greenaadmi, my hats off to you(I cannot find a hats off smilie to express my appreciation more visually).

February 24, 2005, 12:52 AM
Many thanks!

February 24, 2005, 02:11 AM
Hmm.....great site...And looks as if Arshad Khan's inclusion caused a few eyebrows..!!!

February 24, 2005, 02:19 AM
:) Not all all - ya know when it comes to these things, I always side with the extablishment - fact is when I wrote the Aslam Khan piece, I hadnt even seen the team list !!

My intention with that was simply to highlight some of the strange selectorial decisions that are made and how most journalists lap it up as they belong to one camp or another !

Plse believe me when I say that there are no other sinister motives behind that .

Thanks for your time.

February 24, 2005, 02:25 AM
I believe ya buddy.....btw Great Writing...:up:...keep it up....

February 24, 2005, 07:08 AM
hehe... these r classics ;)

February 24, 2005, 07:09 AM
GreenAadmi, I loved your Tom & Jerry pairs viz. Sarfaraz Nawaz & Bob Woolmer, Wasim Bari & Taufiq Umar( & Mayo Hospital),Shaharyar Khan & Shoaib(their Hard Talk & Haroon Rashid's sacking). Really funny,man:bravo:

February 24, 2005, 07:22 AM
Many many thanks for your appreciation - sometimes one needs a little encouragement to produce anything of substance !!

This story is also being displayed on Spoof.com - you can rate it on :



Edited on, February 24, 2005, 1:10 PM GMT, by GreenAadmi.

March 1, 2005, 12:28 AM
New installment of satire is available at :



March 3, 2005, 01:15 PM
Pakistanis vs Indian Board President's XI (live broad cast)

1st day is over, 2 more days and we will brodcast live AUDIO for the match! No TV in europe / US is showing it, and we still managed to get the audio for the WARM UP MATCHES!

Match will start ~ 4-5GMT time, for timings check cricinfo. pm me now i will giove u FREE links to listen to the AUDIO STREAM.

Thanx and plz spread this news about free BRODCASTING of WARM UP MATCHES only every where for the sake of cricket.

.................................................. ........................................
ok guys i told u this info ,,,,,,, i know i willl be banned after this but hello amdin and modz leave for the sake of crciket , as they all wanna eny it it.
u alos pm and i will give u the link.
.................................................. ...

i will put the link here if admin give permsision

www.pakmusic.com (go and listen free audio for the warm up matches).