View Full Version : Top Sledges & Jokes

April 5, 2005, 07:30 PM
New Cricket rules for the upcoming Ashes.
Following the crushing defeat of Pakistan, the International
Cricket Council has imposed a new set of rules for the up coming Ashes series
1) As a result, England has been granted an automatic wickie, freeing up wicket keeper Alex Stewart to defend the boundary. Under the rule, Australian batsmen will be deemed out "caught behind" if the ball nicks their bat and lands in the immediate area behind the wicket. The rule is a compromise from the original English proposal which had pushed for automatic slips as well. The ICC refused that request on the grounds that "someone has to go and get the ball when an Australian misses it."
2) In addition, Australia is under strict "tip and run" restrictions which require they take a run off every ball they hit. Steve Waugh was happy to accept this, as it meant no change to his current game plan.
As a compromise, it was agreed that the Australians will also have to shout out the word "wickets" when completing a run to make run out decsions by umpires easier.
3) Australian wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist has "six and out" restrictions imposed on him. As well, following complaints from English fielders, Gilchrist will have to get the ball if it goes across the road.
4) Instead of using a bat, Hayden will now be obliged to use his arm with his jumper wrapped around it.
5) New rules for England include "one hand, one bounce" while they are fielding, and the provision of "last man carries" when they are batting.
6) The English tried to extend the "can't get out first ball"
provision to "can't get out first ten overs", but the ICC proclaimed that the extra runs gained would hardly be worth the effort. Australian captain Steve Waugh has vigorously opposed the "last man carries" rule and has launched an appeal. Waugh says Australia will only agree to the rule if there are electric wickets at the end, allowing Aussie fielders to throw to the stumps at either end.
7) A spokesperson for the ICC also announced that following six successive ducks "from now on Craig White can't get out for a duck".
8) The English medium pace bowler will also be allowed to wrap the ball's seam with electrical tape when he's bowling in the second innings.
9) The spokesperson added there will be "no LB" for English batsmen unless "it is really, really obvious."
10) Shane Warne has conceded that its "fair enough" that he has tobowl underarm (but not molly grubbers) to the English tail end.
11) If England decides that Harmison is to be given an over, the umpire will deem the Australian batsmen as dismissed if Harmison lands the ball anywhere on the pitch. Captain Steve Waugh has no problems with this
change, as the probability of such a dismissal occurring is
infinitessinately small.
Despite the changes, Australia remains firm favourites going into the Ashes Series, paying $0.22, while an English win is currently paying $1.3 trillion.

When Australia toured New Zealand a few years back and Blair Pocock was opening the batting for the Kiwis. Having played and missed at a couple he was then approached by Mark Waugh from slip. Waugh pointed at Pocock and said "oh yeah, I remember you, you toured Australia
a couple of years ago. You were sh!t then too." Pocock then proceded to hit the next ball for four and pointed at Waugh and said "oh yeah, I remember you too, you had that f&cking ugly old girlfriend........and then you went and married her you dumb c&nt."

Glenn McGrath (to Otto Brandes, tubby South African no. 11, after a 85mph delivery whistles past OB's chin)
Glenn: Why are you so fat?
OB : Because every time I go with your wife, she gives me a biscuit. (Slight poetic licence in that Brandes did not say "go with your wife")

During Australia's last tour of South Africa it was rumoured that Daryll Cullinan had been consulting a psychologist to exorcise the demons that appeared whenever Warne removed his hat. No sooner had Cullinan arrived at the crease than Warne snarled: "I'm going to send you straight back to your shrink."

Ian Healy once became frustrated with an overweight batsman from a South African provincial side who seemed not the least interested in scoring runs. Eventually Healy called to the bowler: "Why don't we put a Mars bar on a good length to see if we can lure him out of his crease?" the reported reply from the batsman was "because Boonie would eat it before I could get there"

An English county bowler was having surprising success against the great West Indian Viv Richards, who'd played and missed at several balls. Foolishly, the bowler piped up: "Hey Viv, it's red and it's round." A steaming Richards cracked the next ball into another postcode and told the bowler: "You know what it looks like, man - go fetch it."

Merv Hughes was being Merv, aiming constant abuse at English batsman Robin Smith. But having been told that he "couldn't bat to save his f***ing life," Smith smashed a four, walked down the pitch and said: "Make a good pair, don't we? I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."

Sledging can be plain amusing. It's unlikely Merv Hughes was thinking tactically when he told a struggling English batsmen: "I'll bowl you a f***ing piano, ya Pommie pooftah. Let's see if you can play that."

During a WSC final at the SCG where the game had been shortened due to rain and the atmosphere was running at about 95% humidity a very exhausted Arjuna Ranatunga appealed that he had "sprained" something. He duly asked the umpire for a runner. As clear as a bell through the effects mic you heard Healey's legendary reply "you don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit,fat c#$%".


April 5, 2005, 09:19 PM
LMAO... the first one about the ashes was very funny....

:bravo:to you for finding it and whoever wrote it for writing it.

April 5, 2005, 10:07 PM
my faves:

Merv Hughes: "I'll bowl you a f***ing piano, ya Pommie pooftah. Let's see if you can play that."


Healy: "you don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit,fat c#$%".


Edited on, April 6, 2005, 3:07 AM GMT, by jabbar.

April 6, 2005, 07:51 PM
haha these are great.

April 7, 2005, 02:45 PM
Looks like not many ppl are reading & contributing to this particular thread!

April 7, 2005, 03:02 PM
they will come.

Ovi Khan
April 7, 2005, 04:45 PM
Here we come! Chakas thread :up:

May 7, 2005, 12:00 PM
Nobody has any sledging stories to share? I'm sure we have past cricketers or domestic players(former and current) in this forum.

May 8, 2005, 02:43 AM
At first slip I like to get into the batsman's ear but I should probably be taking lessons from AgentSmith. Some of my stuff

Mate how did you get out in the first innings?
I hit the ball into my own stumps
That's a pretty stupid thing to do, you're an idiot

You should really talk to your coach about that gap between bat and pad

You know you can hit the ball, don't you?

I've seen better batting in the shower

Edited on, May 8, 2005, 7:45 AM GMT, by Habibul_fan.

May 8, 2005, 01:42 PM
my favorites when I'm bowling or fielding (usually directed at my own team-mate)
"uni estylish batsman - pefect ball na hole kheltey paren na" = he's such a stylish batsmen, the ball has to be just right for him to be able to touch it

"take it easy... he just learned to hold the bat yesterday ... and not prperly either"

"hala khali pota diya batting kore ..." = translation would be x rated.