2012 US Presidential Elections Thread
Looks like the Racist...errr Republican Party hopefuls have thrown in their hats to try and kick Obama out of the "Black House" and attempt to reinstate the Fourth Reich that Bush-Cheney created.
So far the contenders are:
Mitt "Universal Healthcare" Romney
probably the front-runner, after coming up a tad short in 2008. Can his Mormon faith (at least he ain't Muzlim) and his socialist Obamney Care allow him to sneak by?
Strengths: a republican who is actually articulate
Weaknesses: Mormon religion and subsidized healthcare for the poor
Michelle "Sarah Palin v 2.0" Bachmann
I know nothing about her asides from the fact that along with Palin, she too could possibly star in granny-**** [played by Lisa Ann] if the campaign doesn't go too well.
Strengths: No Down Syndrome kids to distract her in the Oval Office.
Weaknesses: Makes Sarah Palin look smart.
Rick "I'm So Slick" Santorum
He's the conservative's conservative. He's so conservative he doesn't even believe in homosexuality, stating its something liberals invented just to corrupt the youth and trick them into being liberals out of the perverted sense of social justice. Who needs justice when you can have Slick Rick?
Strengths: Opposes all things liberal: homosexualtiy, tolerance, free speech, gays, blacks, immigrants,
Jews, human rights, democracy, elections, and oral contraceptives. Good looks will win the female vote, although as a die-hard conservative, he doesn't believe women should be allowed to vote, "we did just fine as a nation from 1776-1920, when women did not have voting rights".
Weakness: His name can be easily mistaken for Sanitarium, and does not inspire confidence in a "healthy" state of the union.
Herman "The Godfather of Pizza" Cain-leone
The token Uncle Tom. That gets him points right there. Plus, he's got principles. Kinda like anti-torture Mccain, except his principles conform with GOP principles unlike the former Arizona senator and 2008 presidential runner up. Despite being a victim of bigotry in Seperate-but-Equal America, Cain is not afraid of dishing it right back out to American muslims by making sure they pass extra tests before assuming any potential spots in his cabinet. Also, is it just me or does he look like Samuel L Jackson???
Strengths: He's black.
Weakness: He's black.
Tim "T-Paw" Pawlenty
His nickname exudes street cred. But its doubtful how much of the "urban" vote he's going to get, provided the hoodrats find any polls within 30 miles of their homes to begin with. Admittedly, I know very little about him, but I can guess these are his platforms:
Economy: Obama is f***ing up.
Foreign Policy: Is a "strong" supporter of Israel
Healthcare: Who needs it that doesn't already have it?
Gun laws: Why do we need restrictions on semi-automatics?
Gays: They are secretly trying to take over America...oh wait, that was the Muslims. Or was it only Gays who are Muslim???
Strengths: Believes Jesus is his Personal Lord and Savior and He personally endorsed Manifest Destiny and the PATRIOT Act.
Weaknesses: You won't vote for him for fear your wife might develop a crush on him and force you to sleep on the your couch.
Newt "Lewd" Gingrich
This guy should be a front runner. I think he ran for President once. He's been around the scene forever, and is a solid neo-con. He lectures us on family values AND still has time to cheat on his wife twice! Sounds like a republican to me. If Shakib al Hasan doesn't watch out, Gingrich will soon pass him on the list of world's best all-rounders.
Strengths: A bigot in the truest sense of the word. Has experience battling democrats, leftists, and the Beast from the Book of Revelation.
Weaknesses: Has cheated on his wife once more than the maximum allowed GOP limit of four infidelities per candidate per election.
Ron "I have No Chance" Paul
A bit heterodox for a modern day republican. Believes in an isolationist foreign policy (like thats gonna win votes). I kinda like the things he says, but sometimes it sounds like he's too senile to even run a nursing home's Bingo games.
Strenghts: Kind of a maverick.
Weaknesses: No one will actually vote for him.
I drop knowledge so heavy it leaves the world unbalanced, exterminating the spiritual force of all that challenge, I'm the lyrical apocalypse that crumbles the granite, replacing you as the dominant species on the planet.