Full transcript of what Ricky Ponting said in Fourth Test flashpoint, exclusively made up by our top lip-reading staff…
Aw, mate. Come on Aleem mate, give me a break. I’m dying over here. Do you know how hard it is, captaining this bunch? Have you any idea what it’s like, having to explain to Mitchell and Sidds that we haven’t got a wicket because of technology? Mitch thinks that a can opener is pretty much designed by NASA. Young Pete here won’t eat out of anything other than a wooden bowl. And you want me to explain to them that your decision is down to inconclusive thermal imaging readings? Mate, I might as well tell them that Santa Claus has hijacked the third umpire’s booth and turned all the machines into toads. I know Santa Claus isn’t a wizard, mate. You know that, I know that. It’s just easier to explain certain things to Mitch in certain ways.
But that’s not the issue here, Aleem, mate. Look, we really need something. He definitely hit it. Brad said so. Has Brad ever lied to you in this series? Mate, look at his little face. He’s still recovering from those nasty things Andrew Strauss said to him at Adelaide. Yeah, personal stuff, Aleem. About his appearance. Public schoolboys can be very cutting, mate. Cruel. You know his rabbit died? His beloved pet rabbit? Well, it did, and Brad’s been under a lot of strain – I really worry about how he’s going to take this.
For crying out loud, Aleem. Just listen to me. Listen. I’m not shouting mate, I’m honestly not. Okay, okay. I’m not jabbing my finger. That’s just a friendly way to make a point. No, not pointing my finger. A point like an argument. No, not arguing with you mate, I’m just asking if… I’m not shouting, just trying to be clear… I’m just asking if you’re certain that the hotspot you can see on the screen… That screen! That massive screen! Look! Up there! Are you blind, for crying out loud? Okay, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry, just having a bit of laugh between two mates, Aleem, mate, ha ha ha.
Look, seriously, Aleem. This technology is a load of bull anyway. Everybody knows that the umpire on the pitch is the main man. These suits, they’re trying to cut you off at the knees mate. That’s why I have always, always respected every decision made by the bloke on the field and accepted it without a murmur. It’s you and me, Aleem. Mate, they want to replace you with a robot and I am not prepared to let that happen. Don’t do it for me mate, do it for unborn future umpires. Do it for cricket.
As lip-read by Alan Tyers