Borderline Personality Disorder

[Emad03]

Originally Posted by Zeeshan
Typo in the title needs to be fixed to facilitate search engine searches.

Yep .How do u change the title?

[Naimul_Hd]

Almost same thing happened with my friends too. Husband and Wife both are my friends and they were in relationship for 4-5 years before they got married. But ever since they decided to get married, strangely the girl started behaving like a mental patient. She cant tolerate her in laws, cant trust her hubby. Always make complaints about her hubby and his every move. Most of the times, she stays with her mom and her parents do nothing about it.

As my male friend was so much in love with her, he could not take it. He tried so hard to make her happy and re-build the relationship but in vain. Finally, he decided to move on and their divorce in process.

[Rubu]

Without knowing much (hence I can be dead wrong), this is what I think: You really have two options, somehow have her (and seems like her mom will be/is the biggest problem in all these) take medication, or move on.

As harsh as it may sound, BPD is a real problem and is not going to get better by itself. specially, if gets fueled by someone (in this case her mother). Secondly, as many "older" people will suggest you do, having a child will not fix anything. Don't even think about that route, it will only complicate things a lot more.

[F6_Turbo]

Emad03 - you know what to do here...but are afraid of doing it. It's quite natural to try to maintain the status quo, but at what price? What you describe here barely resembles a marriage(and this is without me wanting to get into a clinical diagnosis of your wife).

It's great that you want to be there for her, and want to do right by her, but to maintain that in the long run, you need the help/support of close family. But in your case, it sounds as if...there is a serious case of passing the buck from the other side of the equation.

Sticking with a relationship out of nostalgia/guilt/pity/fear of the unknown, is not a valid or good enough reason.

I don't mean to sounds flippant, but you only live once - might as well try and be happy while you're at it!

[Emad03]

Originally Posted by Naimul_Hd
Almost same thing happened with my friends too. Husband and Wife both are my friends and they were in relationship for 4-5 years before they got married. But ever since they decided to get married, strangely the girl started behaving like a mental patient. She cant tolerate her in laws, cant trust her hubby. Always make complaints about her hubby and his every move. Most of the times, she stays with her mom and her parents do nothing about it.

As my male friend was so much in love with her, he could not take it. He tried so hard to make her happy and re-build the relationship but in vain. Finally, he decided to move on and their divorce in process.

If you don't mind ,may i ask were your friends in Dhaka?

Almost a similar thing happened to me before we got married we were engaged for 3 months.But she dint act like this .After marriage all hell broke lose.

After 3 months into marriage ,her mom said to keep her daughter with her and i have to live with her in their house 2-3 times a week.i obliged just for her happiness because she didn't want to stay in our house. It still didn't help as she involved all my family members in her rants. And her mood swings didn't subside.

[Emad03]

Originally Posted by Rubu
Without knowing much (hence I can be dead wrong), this is what I think: You really have two options, somehow have her (and seems like her mom will be/is the biggest problem in all these) take medication, or move on.

As harsh as it may sound, BPD is a real problem and is not going to get better by itself. specially, if gets fueled by someone (in this case her mother). Secondly, as many "older" people will suggest you do, having a child will not fix anything. Don't even think about that route, it will only complicate things a lot more.

Yes bro, you were absolutely right .Having a child will make matters worse.if i divorce her i will never get custody of the child.

After all whats going on ,moving on is the best option.

Th for your advice bro.

[Emad03]

Originally Posted by F6_Turbo
Emad03 - you know what to do here...but are afraid of doing it. It's quite natural to try to maintain the status quo, but at what price? What you describe here barely resembles a marriage(and this is without me wanting to get into a clinical diagnosis of your wife).

It's great that you want to be there for her, and want to do right by her, but to maintain that in the long run, you need the help/support of close family. But in your case, it sounds as if...there is a serious case of passing the buck from the other side of the equation.

Sticking with a relationship out of nostalgia/guilt/pity/fear of the unknown, is not a valid or good enough reason.

I don't mean to sounds flippant, but you only live once - might as well try and be happy while you're at it!

Absolutely spot spot bro. Status quo is a big issue as there is no divorce in our family .It will suck to be the first one.

Yes bro the other side is blindly supporting her daughter that there is nothing wrong with her and blaming everything on me.Every fight there was was because of me and i am the reason for her erratic behavior.I used to say ok fine it is my fault but why does her behavior become violent.even though my parents and me want to treat her and support her they still claim nothing is wrong with her ,and i am the root cause.

But interestingly ,when things were normal with us,her daughter and her mom themselves claimed she used have the same behavior with her parent, but now she and her parents deny the claim.

Thank you for the advice bro.

[Naimul_Hd]

Originally Posted by Emad03
If you don't mind ,may i ask were your friends in Dhaka?

Almost a similar thing happened to me before we got married we were engaged for 3 months.But she dint act like this .After marriage all hell broke lose.

After 3 months into marriage ,her mom said to keep her daughter with her and i have to live with her in their house 2-3 times a week.i obliged just for her happiness because she didn't want to stay in our house. It still didn't help as she involved all my family members in her rants. And her mood swings didn't subside.

Damn. Same condition was applied to my friend too. Her parents said to my friend that if he wanted to continue the relationship then he had to live with them (ghor jamai). My friend's family has their own apartment, so, leaving his own house and moving with her as a ghor jamai looks very odd and laughable. However, he used to live there for couple of days in a week but her house was too far away from his office. So, he requested her to move back to his house but no success. Rather, her parents specially her mom threatened my friend to take legal actions against him

So, both the family sat together and decided to end this misery and give her all the dues. All these incidents happened within 5-6 months of their marriage. I just wonder how they were in relationship for 4-5 years before marriage ? BTW, both of them reside in Dhaka.

Witnessing such tragedy happened to one of my best friends gave me a great shock and fear of marriage thingy. And knowing today's generation and side effect of satellite culture, i am actually very much worried about post marriage life. Allah Bhorosha !!

[Emad03]

Originally Posted by Naimul_Hd
Damn. Same condition was applied to my friend too. Her parents said to my friend that if he wanted to continue the relationship then he had to live with them (ghor jamai). My friend's family has their own apartment, so, leaving his own house and moving with her as a ghor jamai looks very odd and laughable. However, he used to live there for couple of days in a week but her house was too far away from his office. So, he requested her to move back to his house but no success. Rather, her parents specially her mom threatened my friend to take legal actions against him

So, both the family sat together and decided to end this misery and give her all the dues. All these incidents happened within 5-6 months of their marriage. I just wonder how they were in relationship for 4-5 years before marriage ? BTW, both of them reside in Dhaka.

Witnessing such tragedy happened to one of my best friends gave me a great shock and fear of marriage thingy. And knowing today's generation and side effect of satellite culture, i am actually very much worried about post marriage life. Allah Bhorosha !!

In one word WOW.Almost the same story.

Don't worry bro, Insallah i pray yours will be good marriage because after what i have gone through ,i wish such a thing never happens to my worst enemy!

Pls do check your PM

[Emad03]

Dear All,

After a heart aching period our families sat yesterday .The girl herself wanted a divorce and all family members persuaded her to carry on the marriage but she was adamant to close because i have accused her a lot.

Divorce was agreed on mutual basis and we went to Kazi office to close it rather than the court.In a way it was best for all as her parents had to face a lot treats of suicide from her and the parents gave in.

Thank you everybody for your support.

[F6_Turbo]

Bad luck bud...but as I said, this was always going to be the ONLY choice for you guys. Hopefully you can move on(it'll hurt, but life will be a lot less stressful now), and she chooses to get the help she so obviously needs.

[Sohel]

It is good that you let each other go in a good way. I wish both you the best. The purpose of marriage in my faith is to find "sakhina" or tranquility in the love (mahabba), empathy (muwadda) and the physical presence (ishq) of your mate, and I pray that both you find it.

That being said, my suggestion to you as a multiple divorcee is to be clear about your limitations, then work diligently to overcome them to the best of your ability, and hope that your mate reciprocates your effort in the same spirit of compromise. Easier said than done.

[BANFAN]

Best wishes for your future.

Nerra shunsi bel tolaye ekbar e jaye... but think before going second time....if you decide for it..

[Antora]

AWWW

May you both find happiness in the future

[nadim 98]

Best wishes Emad bhai

Insallah you life will be much better

[PoorFan]

Good decision I would say, in situation like this no one goes unhurt and that is the harsh reality. Since we are human being, we got to live and let live until the day comes, even though the damage is sever. Hopefully you both will find someday that you did right and best for yourselves.

[iDumb]

you lucky guy... you inspired me emad bhai, ami chinta kortechi amio amar bou re chaira dimu... bhal laage na aar. maiya kotha shune na... khubi beyadop.... aar jodi dhomok dei, taile khali koi...police call korbo.....

man back in the days we wouldnt have tolerated this.... men became inferior with time.... sad. we must all rise up and and fight against this female oppression.

[Naimul_Hd]

Don't be too disheartened Emad bhai. Life goes on. For next couple of months, try to be busy in work and other activities. Avoid those people who ask too much about your past life. Don't think of marriage within 4-6 months. Just have some time for you and freshen up your mind. And don't look too disappointed and depressed in front of your parents, that will hurt them more seeing their son going through such hard time. Show you have moved on and have taken things easily.

Hopefully everything will be okay.

[roman]

Congrats Emad bhai. You have made the right decision. It's better to live alone than to live with someone whom you cant respect, love or who don't appreciate the effort you put to make the marriage work.. Not too many people can do what you have done. I know someone who is stuck in a love less, respect less, miserable marriage because he got kids. Divorce can get really ugly when kids are involved. I see the pain in his eyes, I see how the kids react when his wife fights with him. How helpless he feels when his wife constantly talks **** about his parents even though his parents love her a lot. He loves his kids very very much and don't want them to suffer. He doesn't want to be in a situation where he gets to see his kids once or twice a week. He is sacrificing his youth but his love for his kids is probably too strong for him to take that step.

Again Congrats!

[roman]

Originally Posted by iDumb
random thought: i found my aunty in ashley madison. i dont know if should tell my uncle or keep it to myself.....maybe i will let it go if she cooks me a nice plate of biriyani... what u guys think.

And what were you doing there?

[Emad03]

Thank you all for your support.It was very sad to see my mom cry .i was strong and comforted her through out .

Life will go on , hopefully better this time.

Maybe five years down the line i will be curious what she will be doing/done with her life considering her problem.

[Emad03]

Originally Posted by Sohel NR
It is good that you let each other go in a good way. I wish both you the best. The purpose of marriage in my faith is to find "sakhina" or tranquility in the love (mahabba), empathy (muwadda) and the physical presence (ishq) of your mate, and I pray that both you find it.

That being said, my suggestion to you as a multiple divorcee is to be clear about your limitations, then work diligently to overcome them to the best of your ability, and hope that your mate reciprocates your effort in the same spirit of compromise. Easier said than done.

A special Thank you Bhai.Really i always look forward to your posts .It has always a pleasure reading your post.

I really missed the get together on the 22-6-12. one day i wish to meet you in person.

[Sohel]

Originally Posted by Emad03
A special Thank you Bhai.Really i always look forward to your posts .It has always a pleasure reading your post.

I really missed the get together on the 22-6-12. one day i wish to meet you in person.

Dear Emad,

Thank you for your kind words. Although I've been through something similar, I won't claim to understand what you're going through. But it is important that you not ignore what you've just been through in the hope that it will simply disappear that way.

Speaking from first hand experience, it doesn't. Things don't get better but they do get different and more manageable once you put forth the right effort. It is a difficult quest but must be seen through before GOD blesses you with another opportunity to be happy.

My own healing process started with a journal entry a year after my separation and divorce. Allow me to share it with you.

It was like this.

One day I found myself married with two sons, dreaming a dream I thought I had abandoned after accepting my loneliness, and getting comfortable turning it into solitude. The next day, my wife and two sons disappeared for good from my life for reasons I understand only too well but cannot accept. I cannot because it happened to me and not to somebody else. The proverbial rug was pulled from under my feet although I had feared that it may be one day when things got serious between us. Always good at deluding myself for the adventure of it all, I chose to ignore all those red flags incessantly tugging away at it. Nothing delayed the inevitable yet somehow I still managed to be shocked when it finally happened.

Phew! How utterly pointless and moronic is that?

Emotions are symptoms of biochemical states of one’s existence and the awareness thereof in space-time. Depression and euphoria along with less dramatic ones such as boredom, are pretty much electrochemical responses and reactions inside a carbon-based biochemical shell often driven by the cognitive abstraction of “reality” and its stimuli in reasonable, unreasonable and all of the other ways in-between. Multiplicity and heterogeneity in perpetual flux cannot be grasped without such simplification for whatever purpose. The bird always flies away from us after leaving a trail of evocative images that may or may not fade away in time.

There are chemicals that can counter the effects of those feelings until consciousness as memory brings them back again. You take an “upper” when you’re down, or a “downer” when you ought to calm your @$$ down.

Boredom is the numb, vegetative state in between. You take whatever that’s available when you’re trying to get way from yourself by being bored. It is a comfortable cycle of quick fixes that damage what you are until you die that miserable death nobody wants to die. Damn, why does it always have to be so complicated?

It’s all about the question.

“How could I be so stupid?” or “How could I be so blind?” or “How could I have been be so blind AND stupid?”

A string of words that continues to pop unexpectedly and stun you like a good Japanese horror movie moment. You don’t know exactly when it will come again, or what will prompt its new arrival, but you know it’s there, ready to pounce.

So what do you do? Live in anxiety, fear and quick fixes? Or do you welcome it?

You want it to feel comfortable. As comfortable as your own shadow. You forget the subtle uniqueness of each thrust and parry and focus on the abstract until only the abstract exists like a forest without any distinguishable tree. A forest of maniacally crosshatched greens and blacks repeating themselves ad infinitum.

You conjure, concoct and construct new ways to warp the question until all of its probable variants become mindlessly repetitive. Then you hope that the repetitiveness can render all of its surprises, horror and suspense dull. Making things banal like overplayed elevator musak from cheap, no frills motels out of Lynchlike nightmares you’ll never have but want to.

It's all good in theory but you can't seem to stop beating yourself up no matter how you hack the pattern or its numbers, chatter, noise and flow. Then you get tired as another question begins to emerge all round you.

How do I deal with this weight bearing down on me from the inside? The kind of weight that makes your heart feel empty somehow and the rest of the body bloated with some unknown, possibly alien fluid.

Still can’t quite swallow, let alone digest all the painful facts as to what the F just happened in my life or more poignantly, how the F could I have allowed this to happen to my life, AGAIN?!

I don’t want to neutralize the acids the way clever animation demonstrates the process on TV, because I never wanted my life to simulate the way it simulates a life of its own invention.

I want to vomit, puke, hurl, purge it out of my system. I want to go to sleep and not worry about who I’ll run into in my dreams, and wake up relieved when I don’t. I don’t want routines, deadlines and the World Cup to be my sole connection to days, dates and time. I don’t want uncertainty and danger to be my companions anymore. I want this time to pass and want to do nothing to make it pass. I want that time to arrive like a tornado with me at the center of it, that time when I hold nothing back.

Peace and GOD bless bro~

[F6_Turbo]

One day I found myself married with two sons, dreaming a dream I thought I had abandoned after accepting of my loneliness, and getting comfortable turning it into solitude. The next day, my wife and two sons disappeared for good from my life for reasons I understand only too well but cannot accept.

I don't have kids yet, and I don't want to rub salt into any wounds you might still have. But that is just

Kudos to you for still retaining a sunny disposition. I deal with adversity pretty well...but I'm not sure how I would have overcome a loss of that magnitude.

[Sohel]

They were technically my stepsons, but a part of me died when they were taken out of my life.