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Old May 2, 2011, 07:14 PM
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mar umpire mar umpire is offline
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Default Humour thread-random pieces

Shakib's story

Originally Posted by Shartaz
None of you get it (or see it).

This is obviously a conspiracy cooked up by the Indian cricket establishment where they recruit the most promising bangldeshi player in the IPL; only to have him sit out and thereby destroy him (subversively offcourse).

Thats what they did with Mash, he was our best then, and now look at him.

Shakib is also headed down the same path, they have just started the process of destruction on him.

Just so you were wondering, the motive behind this vile, yet disguised, conspiracy is to make sure Bangladesh is never better than India, in anything. Remember what they did to our golden jute industry?

In response to this I reveal the true story (sic)

"Shakib looked around furtively, he was finally in the colosseum that was KKR headquarters. The apparition of Shah Rukh Khan stared down at him hauntingly from a nearby Billboard. Luckily, SRK's recent sponsorship with Jenny Craig's had lead to sufficient weight loss, such that the Billboard remained where it was. Alas for Tamim, who had chosen the wrong sponsor, Fair and Lovely TM was hardly the brand to allow weightloss and lightweight billboards. Shah Rukh though did not need collapsing billboards to crush his critics. He had his own methods.

A trickle of sweat crawled and finally launched itself off Shakib's face, hitting the ground with a soft splosh. Already Shah Rukh was draining Shakib of the little hydration he had, the thought of shah rukh's billboard falling caused shakib to begin to sweat again. He had already been close to that man. Far too close for his liking.

With a shudder Shakib recalled his first encounter with shah rukh, who up until then had maintained an air of masculinity. However it had all changed once they had entered the dressing rooms. The Lassi came out and suddenly Shah Rukh's voice was transformed into one of the sinister Mrs Kaur from Patiala. Horrified, Shakib turned around hoping to escape, but to no avail. Jaques "the Wilderbeest" Kallis blocked his way, rapidly guzzling down the vile liquid that Shah Rukh, or maybe even Mrs Kaur had concocted.

"ou ain't goin' nowheeare, Mate." Spat the "Wilderbeest"
Shakib knew he was cornered, out of the corner of his eyes he caught Dav "Vernon Dursley" Whatmore sneaking up on him, licking his Dyson TM vaccuum cleaner head like moustache.
"Think you're the best allrounder in the world do you" The arteries on Dav's temple pulsated like some grotesque organ.

Shakib shuddered and came back to reality. He would have to shut out these thoughts, he would need to think happy thoughts to recover what he had come for. But it was at a great risk.

Shakib took a deep breath and stepped over the threshold, only to take a sharp intake of breath and muster perhaps his last whisper:


To Be Continued.............
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Old May 2, 2011, 09:18 PM
Shartaz Shartaz is offline
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hahaha...mar umpire keep this up man! I thoroughly (and genuinely) enjoy reading your stuff.

I feel enlightened to know what actually happened.
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Old May 2, 2011, 10:41 PM
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Thanks Shartaz, your post got me thinking so I put it up there, here's the story continued

“You!” whispered Shakib
From among the shadows the silhouette took shape as it walked towards the threshold from the antechamber.

“Yes, it is I!” hissed the silhouette

The moon peeked out through its covering of clouds to eerily light up the figure.

“The Knight Rider!-but I thought you had retired?” gasped shakib.
The Supreme Knight Rider, the greatest rider of knights in the world stepped towards Shakib. He was robed in strange retro material and clothing reminiscent of a cross between the Royal Crown and Neil Armstrong’s best spacesuit. His helmet gleamed as he rasped through the grill breathily, his face still hidden away.

“You are no match for me, former No 1 all rounder, but let’s see how you fare against my protégé….” And with that The Knight Rider aka “All Rounder” moved aside.


Shakib aka iceman was chilled to the bone. He had never heard anything like it.


What was it that continued to make such frightening noises? Was it a roar? Was it a challenge? What fearsome creature was this? Or was it one of the KKR management’s failed experiments.


Slowly a short young man walked forwards

“Iqbal Abdullah!” exclaimed Shakib
Shakib was no longer shocked but he was still fearful, it was obvious that Iqbal Abdullah had overdosed on Yusuf Pathan’s Coca Cola TM. With such high levels of caffeine and sugar pulsing through his arteries Shakib knew he was a danger to anyone. That was why Shakib only endorsed “No Sugar” Pepsi.

Iqbal reached back and pulled out an MRF from his bat pack on his back with a menacing swish. So it had come to this. Shakib too brought out his CA and with that the air hummed and thrummed with cover drives, square cuts, not to mentioned Jafarullah Sharafat TM “Backsmashes” . However the battle was short lived….

“BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR” screamed Iqbal as Shakib’s superior bat speed finished him off.

“You may have DLFed my protégé, but I’ll finish you once and for all” and there was a slightly familiarity with which the Knight Rider brought out the RNS. Shakib jumped to one side.

“Neverrrrrrrrrrrr!” Shakib brought down his bat and sparks flew as the KR defended the against the swing. Chips of Shakib’s bat flew off as well as they went into a deadlock. The KR looked at Shakib hungrily like some Fatboy slim staring at a Banoful TM rosogulla.

“I am the father and chacha of all allrounders, surrender to me now”
“Never you killed my father”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Shakib gave a bellow of despair more at finding out he was somehow related to the KR than his bat shattering. Shakib had no choice, he ran like he had never run before. He crossed the fence in a few rapid fluid movements and a slide. He looked down at his blade before he discarded it.

Kashmir Willow.

He should have known the reason for his poor batting form, someone had replaced his blade with a “nokol” Kashmir willow. Shakib was livid, his rage made him blind to the injured figure on the ground.

“Ore babare, pa abar bhainga dili”
Shakib looked down.
“mashrafe? What are you doing here”
Mashrafe grimaced with pain, and he put on an expression similar to that in his Pepsi ad.
“I was coming to warn you not to go, but on the way I was ambushed”
“By who”
“Rohit Sharma attacked me, I could do nothing. He told me it was in the script. My anterior cruciate ligament is once again torn.”

Shakib was thoughtful.
In the script?
It could only mean one thing
“Shah Rukh Khan!”
“What?” asked Mashrafe
………………………………………… …………………………………………. .

anyone else is welcome to write any satirical pieces etc they want regarding some of the issues being raised with BD cricket, thread might be a little empty otherwise

Or if you have any suggestions regarding which genre I should adopt next feel free to make it, I've got some other movies lined up as well

Last edited by mar umpire; May 3, 2011 at 02:05 AM..
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Old May 4, 2011, 03:15 AM
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When we last left our hero, it was clear something was amiss at KKR, who was the Supreme Knight Rider? What did Shah Rukh Khan want? Was it an Indian conspiracy to destroy our allrounders or was it a more concerted effort from other members. We continue our story (some of you may have made the links to a scene from a certain movie and the Coca Cola ad involving pathan and abdullah, the story is random I apologise if any poor writing traumatises BCites)

SHakib and Mashrafe got up off the ground with Shakib supporting Mashrafe. An eerie siren rent the peaceful atmosphere of the moonlit night apart.

Shakib was sure it was a song, he strained his ears

Korbo lorbo Jitbore-----

Shakib didn't need to think twice to recognise the horrible singing coming from a non-lip syncing SRK. They needed to get out of the vicinity and fast.

"Run Forrest, I mean Run Mashrafe run"
"I can't"
"Oh yeah, sorry, well limp as fast as you can"

Suddenly the gates of the KKR slammed open with a thunderous bang and out of it streamed minions, thousands and thousands. Shakib stared in horror as the army marched out, they were Knight Raiders, more vicious and dangerous than any Storm Raider George Lucas could think of and indeed much more vocal. Each one had a dark painted face with what looked like a white foot stamped across their faces, obviously a botched attempt by Shah Rukh Khan to emulate Saruman and the Orcs of Isengard. It didn't matter whether a hand or a foot was stamped across their faces, they were SRK's minions and so were definitely dangerous.

Kuch Kuch Hota he Kuch Kuch Hota he.........
their monotonous voices filled the air with another of SRK's hatchet jobs at an attempt at music and shakib's head causing him to go into panic. He couldn't think, he didn't know what to do. He knew at last how ashraful felt when he was batting and perhaps for every moment of his life.

The Knight Raiders started shooting willy nilly, this was what made them so dangerous, for though their aim was poorer than Dick Cheney's if they started aiming at anywhere with 50 metres of Shakib it was likely they would kill him with friendly fire before one could say "Duck". Already many Knight Raiders were dying but many more replaced them.

Shakib and Mashrafe shuffled through the dunes until mashrafe tripped and fell.

"Go on without me"
"Ok" said Shakib and started running. Mashrafe looked horror struck, he had seen it done in movies but usually the guy stayed behind to help out. It was too late:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" mashrafe gave a bovine cry enough to put the cows from Anchor Milk TM to shame.

One of the Knight Raiders, Graham Henry shot Mashrafe, forever putting him out of cricket action. The first of the great bangladeshi allrounders had fallen.

Just then a noise filled the air that filled Shakib with hope.

A batsman, or was he an allrounder ripped into the ranks of the Knight Raiders swinging his blade in an unorthodox cross bat fashion. Knight Raiders flew right and left. Alok "Kabadi" Kapali was laying into the enemy ranks, but he had left a gap between his bat and pad and that was when the knight raider shot through the gap.

"KABADIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII III" Kapali was finished. But before he expired, he uttered his last words that were again a source of consternation for Shakib
"It was....in the script" as a second promising all rounder was finished for bangladesh.

Shakib began gasping for air as he ran but he was struck by something that was quite solid. It was the "Wilderbeest".

"Gotcha, Shakeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb". Shakib passed out and knew no more.


Shakib came to in a flurry of kaleidoscopic images flashing across his eyes.

He slowly opened his eyes, what would his first vision be? A Dyson TM vacuum cleaner head moustache? Or even worse would he hear Mrs Kaur of Patiala's voice?

Shakib looked around him, there was no sign of whatmore or SRK, he was in a prison cell. He looked around at the prison warden who was leering through the bars. He wore heavy glasses and reminded Shakib of a famous prison escape movie.

"No one escapes from Sharukh-Shank prison. You're going to be put on trial for Mashrafe's murder. Your blade was there, Kashmir willow and all."
and before Shakib could protest he was gone. Shakib looked around at his fellow prisoners. Nearby an old man was bent over weeping.

the man turned around,
"No. Grand dada."
Shakib looked around, surely Dada Ganguly would have to be here, he was sure he couldn't be the only one whose career would likely be finished by Sharukh-shank prison. He spotted a young man walking around in the cell in front. He caught Shakib's eyes.

"No. I'm not Dada. I'm Nani, ex soccer star"

What kind of evil place was this thought Shakib if even soccer players' careers were ended here.
Suddenly SHakib heard a yell and saw a man jumping on a miniature Lords Stadium, shirtless and waving his Indian Shirt over his head.
"Take that Freddy Flintoff".
"Prince of Calcutta!" and Ganguly looked at Shakib. With that one look, Shakib realised he had found his escape partner.

.................................................. .................................................
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Old May 4, 2011, 09:42 AM
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al-Hasan > Scofield? I guess we'll find out, same channel same time.
Screw the IPL, I'm going to the MLC!
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Old May 4, 2011, 06:58 PM
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Lol same time same channel

In the 2nd part Shakib>Luke Skywalker (near the end mind you)
In the 3rd part a mixture of everything with references to star wars LOTR etc
The third part will have Shakib>scofield in a sense but his character will be compared to someone else
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Old May 5, 2011, 03:46 AM
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So far our hero has surpassed warriors who've overdosed on Coca cola, fought Knight Raiders but managed to get captured. The idea of a script keeps popping up and Shakib suspects a certain owner. However he has met some people in the prison and is planning an escape. We take up the story...................

Shakib's story part 4- The ShahRukh-Shank Redemption 1
Shakib looked around at the other prisoners. There was a tall man playing elegant strokes, apparently forgotten. Danny Morrison was in a corner grining and laughing maniacally and bursting into unknown hindi songs and streams of "Karbonn kamal.. Banglawash........DLF". There were random people and KKR players. No one knew the state they were in, this was not how they'd pass the tension. Suddely a movement caught his eye.

A man-or was it a boy or was it a man child or a child man? He stood there making upper cuts against some invisible foe. He was humming a familiar song, shakib could catch the words "Nantu" and "Ghotok" with spontaneous bursts of "Aguner dola!".

Ganguly looked at him dolefully.

"He broke in here you know, through a tunnel but then instead of leaving the way he came he went looking for an exit sign. The "wilderbeest" took him before you could say "Out". poor guy, hasn't been the same since, this place has driven him to insanity"

"No" said Shakib. Ganguly looked at him, hope rekindling in his eyes, could it be? Ashraful was alright but putting on an act? He could be useful.

"No," continued Shakib"he has always been insane."

Ganguly was brought back down to earth.

"Dada I thought you were finished"
Ganguly thoughtfully turned over his food. This was punishment to a bengali. The prisoners were subject to what was known as "The Warnie" diet. Spaghetti, pizza and baked beans. The pizza was bearable, however the baked beans had obvious devastating side effects, leading to the Dining Hall being labelled the "Gas Chamber".
But that wasn't the worst of it. They were force fed diuretics by hairy men dressed up in Mrs Warne suits.

"I thought I was, when I started this diet. Many didn't make it past the "Gas Chamber" the more battle hardened people passed through. I after all once shared a room with Sharad Pawar and occasionally with Ramesh Pawar." Ganguly spoke in a deep Narrator/Overtone and Morgan Freedmanesque voice.

"I ca't eat this Dada, there's got to be something else"

"Oh really SHakib? Must be desperate for Brad's Cake challenge then?"

Shakib turned around to see a thuggish looking KKR player.

"Come on then , you against my man, Balaji"

Shakib looked at Dada who nodded.

"You're on"
"You have to eat off my hand" and Haddin brought out a hand full of grit,grime and all manner of unspeakable materials that cannot be said on a family friendly forum.

Shakib was ready though, he'd learned a few tips from Tamim Iqbal "Khan-e wala" Khan.

Shakib knew he had to go for the quick finish, with a lunge he bit with all his power, those years of training chewing [I]paan and shupari had paid off. He had masticator muscles of steel, Haddin's index finger stood no chance.

"Ore babare...tui ki korli.. bleep.....bleep" the shock and pain was so great that Haddin's neocortex malfunctioned, resulting in Haddin spontaneously picking up the Bengali language and a few unspeakable curses as well.

Haddin was out of the IPL with an injured finger. The secret of how it happened though is now out.

Shakib had lost some of his front teeth. But that didn't deter him.

"Let's teach him a lesson"
Balaji wasn't happy, neither was Haddin's mates. James "Beef Patty" Pattinson simply laughed.
"Good stuff Shakeeb, been wanting to do that for years but you know weak stomach and all.."

It was two and 12 and Shakib was sent to the hospital.

.................................................. .............several IPL matches had passed..............
"Don't worry Shakib those guys got punished. The worst type. They got SHah rukh-shanked. Getting shanked that hard will leave them with permanent injuries"

Shahrukh-shankign was in infamous method of punishment. No need for explanations
"Dada how do you make the those Lords Grounds? Where do you get the tools"
Ganguly was again destroying another ground and muttering things related to Eden Gardens, payback and Freddy FLintoff.

"I may be the Prince of Calcutta but I'm the king of contraband"
"Could you smuggle one of the bails used by Chanderpaul to mark his crease?"

And so Days went by, Shakib used the Bail, which was sharpened over years of "Chanderpauling" to carve things on to the prison walls.

"Dada we need to get out of here and I've got a plan"
"I know, you'll need to cover what you're doing though"
"I need something people won't look at"
"I have posters...............of .......players?" Ganguly was anxious
The sunlight streamed through the Warden's window. It was a beautiful day, motes of dust floated up off the ground to freedom, sparkling in the brilliant sunlight. Time seemd to stand still. The Warden left his room for Prison inspections.

All was in order. He finally reached Shakib's cell.

It was empty.

"NOOOOOO" the warden went into a rage, flipped over his mattress and went through his belongings. He wasn't there. Only a poster remained that seemed to mock him.

Arjuna Ranatunga filled up the Poster apparently after a well finished "Biyer Dawat". The warden did not want to see such a sight. In his rage he picked up a nearby rock and threw it.

It went through Ranatunga's vast belly almost as though it had been consumed. He walked up to the poster and tore it to reveal a tunnel............................................ ...........................

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Old May 5, 2011, 03:50 AM
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This is an amazing epic story!! Loved it mar umpire bhai! Please do not stop!
God bless Ingrid Newkirk, Dianne Feinstein, Kamala Harris & Mitch Landrieu!
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Old May 5, 2011, 04:03 AM
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mar umpire mar umpire is offline
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Lol thanks, was going to make some edits to the last part

Hope people get a good laugh out of it, I try and parody or make references to well known ads or movies so people can get an image of what's going on

I think people have made the connection from the last part of the title
below are the nxt 2 instalments

Last edited by mar umpire; May 6, 2011 at 03:40 AM..
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Old May 6, 2011, 03:37 AM
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Default Shauhrukh-shank redemption 2

Shakib and Ganguly walked quietly through the tunnel accompanied by a straw haired wiry framed man.
“We can get out of here by going through the sewers” said Shakib
“I still don’t know how you got the idea” exclaimed Ganguly “and how did you find Macgyver?”
Shakib sniffed the air for an indication of where the sewers might be before answering
“Macgyver was in the cells, apparently he was a potential competitor to the “Knight Rider” brand. But he tells me he breaks in and out for fun. It was he that helped me dig this tunnel”. Shakib conveniently forgot to mention having watched The Shawshank Redemption.
Suddenly a wall of smell hit them like Shane Watson slog sweep and they were forced to take a few steps back. Once their eyes had accustomed to the gloom, they realised they had found the sewers.

(At this point people who are not used to toilet imagery are advised to stop reading for a paragraph)

A vast mountain faced them. But what was it a mountain of? There were an assortment of shapes and colours, kalo jam, bhuna, patla and all manner of ….stuff. It looked like Jacques “the Wilderbeest” Kallis and Dav “Dyson vacuum cleaner moustache/Uncle Vernon” Whatmore had definitely “Got the Runs”. Perhaps they had been the unfortunate beneficiaries of a particularly unwholesome Shah Rukh dish which they had gulped down in copious amounts, to the extent even their formidable digestive system could not cope. Shakib remembered the expression on “Uncle Vernon’s” face.

Ganguly wretched openly, while Macgyver looked among the pile for anything that might be useful, SHakib advised him against it. They were trapped. Unless they could climb and cross the “Mountain”. They had no choice. Covvering their faces with KKR shirts they plunged into and up the mountain.

After many minutes of stepping through kalo jam, chomchoms and rather strange looking “jilapis” they finally emerged through the sewers to the other side. Thunder crashed overhead and Shakib noticed with relief that it was raining outside.
“Well guys that was so much fun, I think I might go back and try breaking out again” Macgyver held out an oddly brown hand that Shakib and Ganguly declined to shake but thanked him all the same.

Ganguly and Shakib washed off the remnants of Shah Rukh Khan’s digested cooking, or was it Mrs Kaur’s? Shakib was still at a loss how the two may be connected. They continued their trek after a while, shakib was relieved to see that the road ahead was clear except for a black car parked randomly nearby.
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Old May 6, 2011, 03:38 AM
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Default The Allrounder Shanks Back

“So want to join me Dada, I’m planning to go back to Bangladesh? You could be batting coach”
Suddenly they heard a commotion, someone was choking nearby, with a shout of horro Shakib realised it was Yuvraj(he had gained a huge amount of weight and shakib couldn’t tell at first what the bloated mass on the floor was). He seemed to be trying to say something
“revital…………” SHakib jumped into action and slapped him on the back akin to a WWE slap expelling the stuck “Revital TM” tablet from Yuvraj’s throat.
“Thank you you two…was practising my lines for revital ad, when.. choked..” Yuvraj gasped. “How can I ever thank you? Do you have teams?”
Shakib didn’t answer but Ganguly did.
“I’m available”
“Then welcome. Welcome to the Pune warriors.” Thus Ganguly joined Pune leaving Shakib alone to continue his quest.
Suddnely alarms were sent off all around them. SHakib blinked in the light like a rabbit caught in front of headlights or worse Ranatunga after a biyer dawat, unable to move with his jaw rather open as though wanting more “dawat”.
“There he is! Get him”
Shakib turned around to see Eoin “Haash, Murgi” Morgan who set off in hot pursuit. Behind him ran a few other KKR players with Sarabjeet “Laddu-Guddu” Ladda bringing up the rear.
“Guys slow down”
Shakib ran and ran, he crossed a ditch, then a road, then hurdles (which was odd thought Shakib) suddenly he saw a black car in the distance, but surely it couldn’t be the same black car. As shakib reached it he realised it was a taxi of sorts. He jumped in.
“Quick get me over the border as fast as you can” shakib looked at the driver’s seat, he couldn’t see anyone, a man in the front seat turned around to look at him.
“Where’s the driver”
A chimpanzee turned around from the driver’s seat and gave Shakib a thumbs up.
“Are you sure?”
The man grinned, and replied
“Don’t worry, No Sugar” and with that the car roared to life and left it’s pursuers to eat the dust and fumes. Ladda was again “laddu Guddu”.
Shakib breathed a sigh of relief a few minutes later as the taxi dropped him off.
As Shakib walked away he thought he noticed the man talking to the car.
Talking to the car?
Shakib looked back and there was no-one there.
He had reached an alley way. If only he could get over the wall
“You can nott get over the wall yaar” said someone as though they had read his mind. Shakib turned around to see his escape route blocked by none other than Jaidev “Upper cut Under cut” Unadkat. He was backed up by a few cronies including a chimpanzee.
“You were expected Shakib”
Shakib turned around to see the car talking to him.
Of course! It had been following him, the Knight Rider car. His game was up.
“the supreme Knight Rider expects you”
………………………………………… ……………………………..
Shakib was marched through a futuristic set of doors and structures and was oddly reminded of a George Lucas film. He reached the end. There was someone sitting on a chair on top a dais with his back turned to him. He was gasping and rasping, he must be the Darth Rider, thought Shakib.
The Knight Rider slowly stepped down from the dais and took off his helmet
Recognition dawned on Shakib

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Old May 6, 2011, 10:23 AM
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Omg dude, this is hillarious, but the question is where do you get the time? Are you a writer or something or English major? You should really write a piece or two for Cricinfo page2.
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Old May 6, 2011, 11:00 AM
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Move over Andy Zaltzman !!
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Old May 6, 2011, 06:56 PM
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mar umpire mar umpire is offline
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Lol thanks

I have a handy supply of magic mushrooms hence the strange trip-like imagination(jking). Some of the pieces are a bit rushed and the quality has deteriorated a bit(I'm a uni student but not english major, although enjoy writing. My uni break's nearly over so have to finish this story soon-I set aside about 20 minutes to write up each edition) would have added more detail. Was planning to add pictures as well, may edit the stories by adding pictures.

Thanks again for the kind comments and feedback, I hope you all had a laugh, I might keep the story for my younger siblings. If my writing traumatised anyone with its mediocrity, I apologise as well.

I might post some random satirical stuff as well, I did one on BD coach selection a while back. I'll post most of them here rather than go trolling

Just to continue some hints Alok "Kabadi" Kapali was meant to be a poor man's version of Obi Wan Kenobi but I couldn't really get him into it, it has been a long time since the star wars stuff I saw

Shakib was Andy Dufrense from the Shawshank Redemption and Ganguly was "Red" from that as well, it was something we watched at school for english. I was more familiar with that although ATMR's inference/suggestion also had me thinking, but since I had the story thought up I decided to continue on.

If there are suggestions on what characters I could bring in etc please make them. If I get time I am planning another story with some of our other illustrious players
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Old May 6, 2011, 07:09 PM
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AsifTheManRahman AsifTheManRahman is offline
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Originally Posted by mar umpire
I was more familiar with that although ATMR's inference/suggestion also had me thinking, but since I had the story thought up I decided to continue on.
You did the right thing. Humayun Ahmed didn't bring back Baker bhai albeit mass protests from the public. Going by that definition, Arthur Conan Doyle deserves knighthood as much as Sir Ashraful.
Screw the IPL, I'm going to the MLC!
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Old May 6, 2011, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by mar umpire
Or if you have any suggestions regarding which genre I should adopt next feel free to make it, I've got some other movies lined up as well
Ashraful: Why shouldn't I play for the IPL? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm playing for IPL. Somebody puts a record stat on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that record was the dream of some rebel kids in rural Bangladesh. Once they see the record broken, they bomb the village where the my loved ones are hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, send in the RAB to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a ****. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the parliament. It'll be some kid from Keyotkhli takin' shrapnel in the ***. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his *** got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen poishas a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a bathroom with commode that would flush well. And, of course, the plumbing companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic pipe prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the commode back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fkin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the Bhoirob. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fkin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his *** is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin' is Bhoirob's scrod. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fk it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up commode prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the parliament? I could be elected president.
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Old May 6, 2011, 07:32 PM
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Shamim Chowdhury: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my commentary. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Tamim: No.
Shamim Chowdhury: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Tamim: Why thank you.
Shamim Chowdhury: It's all right. You've never heard of Walter Cronkite.
Tamim: Nope.
Shamim Chowdhury: So if I asked you about pinch hitting, you'd probably give me the skinny on every sloggers ever written. Lance Klusener, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and Paul Gogga, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in Bloemfontain. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that sky; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Nazrul at me, right, "...karar oi louho kopat...." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about kachi biryani, you'd probably google me a restaurant. But you've never looked at a grease packet of kachi biryani and been totally vulnerable. Known something that could level you with it's allure , feeling like God put an ambroisia on earth just for you. Which could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be its chef, to have that love for it, be there forever, through anything, through diarrhea. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding its box, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "closed" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love your wicket. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident pinch-hitter....I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Tamim. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you heard a commetnary of mine, and you ripped my fking life apart. You drive a Beamer right?
[Tamim nods]
Shamim Chowdhury: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I saw Top Gear? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a **** about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't watch in some fkin' TV. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.
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Old May 6, 2011, 08:19 PM
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Here is the next instalment in advance. And perhaps the final in Shakib's story, I might add pictures later. I tried to make my story as family friendly as I could, hopefully with no coarse language etc (I like to think I'm a good boy, but I still can't get a shithi on the left side). There are guys here who can do a much better and thorough job than me at lining up movies lol ( no need to guess who). I haven't really seen many gangster stuff just the kiddie stuff like harry potter, star wars LOTR etc anyway here goes

Chacha looked at Shakib.
“Yes it is I. Khaled Mahmud, the first and best allrounder of Bangladesh. Now the supreme Knight Rider, second only to the Darth Rider”
Shakib was about to contradict him when he continued
“So Shakib, you managed to escape ShahRukh-Shank prison? Well you’re in Knight Rider Park now and it’ll be difficult for you to escape. I thought you would try and escape through the sewers so I arranged to block it off.
“You see, that Morog Polao that sent 82 members of the BCB to hospital was not an accident, it was the Darth Rider’s cooking and an experiment to see its effectiveness. When we saw the success we gave the rest to Jacques and Whatmore. That was enough to block off the sewers I thought. I thought wrong”

“What have you done to Bangladesh cricket chacha! You’ve betrayed us” Shakib was trying to buy himself time before he could think what to do
“You don’t know the power of the Dark-I mean- You don’t know the power of the Knight Side!” Khaled Mahmud Chacha had nearly once again botched his lines. His career was at stake.

“But why?” Shakib had to keep him talking

“I was promised by Shahrukh that if I could bring Bangladesh cricket as revenge for the Bangladesh cricket team not watching Shahrukh movies as motivational tools before games, then he would arrange for me to become a Naok! Did you think I wanted to be an allrounder?

“So a script was written, we would buy mashrafe and let Rohit do the dirty work, once that was done we needed a few dodgy physios to finish the work. We would then finish you, the crown jewel of Bangladesh cricket. I tried to turn you away from Siddons to my side but you wouldn’t listen. Your “Prothom Alo” article will cost you dearly. It will be a shank to the death!”

“But “Kabadi” Kapali?”

“Oh yes we had to get rid of him, couldn’t have him teach to all leg spin and him in Powerplay mode could have been catastrophic. No. Now enough talk”

Shakib was handed a blade (bat), its name being referred in this story’s lingo as “Shank”. Shakib was nervous but thought back to his training. A yoda like figure streamed through his head as memories came rushing back

“Use the force………”
Shakib shook his head and thought again, this time the yoda like figure aka Jamie Siddons streamed back
“Use the pace….” More thoughts came streaming in
“Help you I can, yes”
“A Jedi's strength flows from the Force, I mean Pace………..”

“Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.”
Shakib was starting to get worried and was creeped out by this sudden resemblance of Siddons with Yoda.

Suddnely the last image flashed across his mind, one of Siddons laying into Tamim’s Fair and Lovely TM slopping it all over his face

“When 900 years you reach. Look as good, you do not” that was the final straw

“Noooooooo” Shakib brought down the blade hard and Chacha fended it off, they were soon in a deadlock.
“The force is with you, young Shakib, but you are not a Jedi yet."
SHakib swung the bat down hard, striking a jarring blow to Chacha’s arm which appeared to break.
"Impressive. Most impressive. Siddons and Obi wan Kabadi Kapali has taught you well. You have controlled your cover drive. Now, release your square cut. Only your scoop can destroy me."
Shakib swung hard and with one sweep struck Khaled Mahmud in the knees, he was out Mashrafe style. So it would end for Chacha, the last of the Supreme Knight Riders.

The Allrounder had struck back.
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Old May 6, 2011, 09:27 PM
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Wow, the parodies of Good Will Hunting by ZeeshanM were very imaginative and well written. Would be amazing if someone who was good at mimicking accents could dub this over the actual scenes of the film or something similar. Would be hell of a lot more entertaining than the coarse and uninspired movie scene parodies by the Bangladeshi LiarsClubbers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un1dKqlaCh8
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Old May 6, 2011, 11:15 PM
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Default The FInal

Clap! Clap! Clap!
The Darth Rider had stood up and was walking towards Shakib
“Uhm ahh uhm ahh uhm ahh uhm ahh” the Imperial March had started playing
Shakib stared on, transfixed by the horrible sight. Clearly the man thought he had a great sense of fashion but he was anything but. He was dressed in something that looked as though Prince William had been in a fight with Gollum and Tarzan and had come off second best. It looked as though in the resulting melee Dobby had decided to clothe all three with his own assortment of “clothes”.
“Uhm ahh Uhm ahh uhm ahh uhm ahhh ahhhh ahhhh ahhhhhhhh“
Shakib thought the guy was having a lot of difficulty breathing and was about to “go back to the pavilion”. It was creepy. The tension was building like bhat that had been boiled too much and was on the point of “utlano” leaving behind nothing to eat.
“Uhhhhhm ahhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhh”
“Will you shut up and get on with it, and tell that random guy in the in the corner to get off the keyboard and stop playing the Imperial March!” Shakib couldn’t take it, what with his earlier visions of Siddons and the current atmosphere of incessant breathing sounds and a poorly played imperial march that kept replaying the chorus over and over again.

“Well Shakib, you have fought well but how will you go against my other hench-creatures?” was there a hint of Mrs Kaur’s voice mixed with SRK’s?
As he said this there seemed to be a sound like that of distant thunder.
Shakib felt the ground break into a tremor
No it wasn’t BOOM BOOM Afridi. Shakib looked at a glass of water on the table that seemed to be rippling with each sound.
Dwayne Leverock burst into the room with a primeval roar. Shakib had to start running. Leverock was surprisingly quick, he would consume Shakib, after all those years of SRk’s cooking.

Shakib tripped and looked up, someone behind him covered his mouth
“Don’t move and he won’t be able to see us!”
“Dr Grant(aka Sam Neill)?” whispered Shakib
“No Macgyver, I broke out and wanted to break into this place. Looked cool. Full of gadgets. Will keep me going for another full season of Macgyver TM”
Leverock walked in. With his genes taken from T-rex, he was un ultimate killing machine and an experiment perhaps gone wrong or right for SRK. Leverock seemed not to see and moved on. Shaib and Macgyver ran through a secret tunnel.
“Follow this and you should make it to Bangladesh. I’m going to break out again”
Shakib ran through but as he did so he heard
“He’s crossing the border”
He ran gasping for breath.
“Get into the Knight Cruisers”
Shakib had made it across but he had to keep going already he could hear them and the gasps of “Laddu Guddu” Ladda.
“Wait for me”
Where would Shakib go? He looked up and saw the Rickshawala-
The one from the World cup
“Quick get me out of here to the nearest Fair and Lovely TM billboard” desperate times called for desperate measures.
One of the Raiders shouted
“Drop Imrul Kayes and no-one gets hurt”
Never thought SHakib, would they drop their best batsman over the last year
SRK and his gang emerged with a shout of rage. The knight raiders began shooting with their Bowling machines willy nilly.
Tamim’s face smiled down at them as the billboard’s support was struck, it lurched dangerously. The Rickshawala put his pedal to the medal and did a rapid burnout
SRK wasn’t so quick, the Billboard fell with all the crushing force of a Fair and Lovely TM billboard. All one gazillion tonnes of it. Shahrukh had crushed many of his critics but he was no match for Tamim’s methods.
“Thanks” said Shakib
“No problem” replied the rickshaw and a black car nearby in unison.
Shakib looked around surprised

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Old May 7, 2011, 12:49 AM
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idrinkh2O idrinkh2O is offline
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@ Mar Umpire, thanks man! this is freakin' awesome. Keep it up
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Old May 7, 2011, 01:39 AM
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I'm humbled to hear people have enjoyed it.
S al hasan as himself, luke skywalker and SHawshank redemption breakout guy
S Ganguly-Dada and "Red"
Whatmore-Uncle Vernon Dursley and himself
Alok Kabadi Kapali-Obi Wan Kenobi
Mashrafe as himself
SRK-Darth Rider? Open end of story, he never takes off his mask, Mrs Kaur,
Dwayne Leverock(Bermuda spinner)-T rex (Jurassic Park)
Macgyver-Sam Neil (Jurassic Park ) and himself
Knight Raiders-Storm Raiders/Orcs of Isengard
Danny Morrison as himself
Black car-Knight Rider's car
Imperial March Player-random musician
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Old May 7, 2011, 01:43 AM
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I would just let people know that certain boundaries I don't think should be crossed in satire and that is ridiculing or joking about religious matters-it is a grave sin in Islam and other religions shouldn't be ridiculed either. Everyone has their opinions but I think I'd just point it out in case we get carried away with everything, if I have hurt anyone through my depiction of any characters I apologise, I tried to take the mickey out of Siddons as well to balance it to an extent
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Old May 7, 2011, 11:19 PM
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Default The Fellowship of the Urn

“One by one, free lands of Middle subcontinent fell to the power of the urn. But there were some who resisted.

Battle scene involving large armies of cricketers, fans and the Barmy Army. Men and women being flayed with cricket bats by Australian players and drunk fans.

“The last alliance among batsmen and keepers marched against the armies of Ozdor on the slopes of Mount Ozdoom, they fought for the freedom of Middle Subcontinent”

Barmy army fans, supported by some soccer hooligans all wearing helmets, lay into the army of Ozdor, with an assortment of bats, stumps and wooden Billy Bowden “Live size” cutouts. Wax models of Tendulkar are also used by some of the larger members. All this taking place under a dark brooding sky, on the slopes of a dry desolate mountain that was covered with the remnants of volcanic ash. Heavy concussion on both sides

“Victory was near………
But the power of the urn could not be undone
A large menacing figure advances among the army ranks, wearing an urn on his finger and carrying an out of proportion Bat. It was Chapel-ron. He swings the bat to and fro the sweet spot striking Ganguly the first and throwing him against the mountain face, killing him instantly, his Gray Nicolls Excalibur TM blade slipping from his grasp.
“Ganguly the prince of Middle subcontinent and son of the king took up his father’s sword..
Ganguly strikes out with the Excalibur, slicing off the menacing Chapel-ron’s finger. The urn falls to the ground, glowing eerily
The armies are flattened by a Mexican wave that spreads and spreads but goes awry leaving everyone in confusion. Chapel-ron’s power in Middle Subcontinent had faded.
“Chapel-ron the enemy of the free people of Middle Subcontinent was defeated….
“Ganguly had one chance to destroy the urn but the hearts of men are easily corrupted…..

They are set upon by armies of drunken Oz fans and KKR fans

“But it betrayed Ganguly…”
The urn slips off in the water as Ganguly is no longer invisible and swims vainly, Dhoni aims a throw at him. One blow to the head and Ganguly dies.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______

Ashraful is seen riding a cart with a tall man drawn with a strange wizard’s hat. He smoked the pipe thoughtfully and stared out with gimlet like eyes.
Ashraful turned around to speak to him
“Bilbo “Chacha” has been acting rather strange, looking at maps….
“he spends hours and hours watching Shahrukh khan films when he thinks I’m not looking”
Tense music, building up to a crescendo as “Chacha” baggins continues searching for something..he finds something in his pocket and stands stock still…to draw out..

The urn!
The scene goes back to ashraful “Frodo” Baggins
“He’s up to something”.
Chacha baggins’ birthday party was truly amazing however something strange happened, he disappeared during his farewell speech.
“Ore babare.. where has he gone? Just like magic!” screamed Aftab in a frankly psychotic manner, his eyes bulging alarmingly, ready to burst out of their sockets at any moment

Because you see Bangladeshi strikers, or Strobbits as they are called by some do not like adventure and this truly was a strange thing
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Old May 8, 2011, 10:30 PM
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Other strobbits too were surprised and shocked
“heehee, Chacha gese koi? Lala dhore niye gelo naki” joked “Merry” Mushfiq

Meanwhile “Chacha” baggins was back at his Strobbit hole. This was it, he was leaving home for his last adventure. He looked back, he would miss the place. He fingered something in his pocket and set off.
“Hold it, right there!” was it big brother? Was it a stalker? Worse still was it the paparazzi about whom strange tales were told around the occasional effigy burning fire, “Chacha” baggins wasn’t that famous, people only knew him as khaled Mahmud sometimes but all in all he was a fairly obscure character.

“Chacha” squinted thorugh the gloom to make out the figure of Asad “Gandalf” Rauf.
“I believe you’ve forgotten to leave something behind.”
Chacha took out the urn and stared at it covetously,
“I couldn’t leave you, no, My Precioussssssss”
“Chacha Baggins leave it now, or else” and Asad “Gandalf” Rauf raised himself up to his imposing stature, staring down at Chacha who cowered before the sudden umpire-like transformation. If he didn’t obey he could be reported to the match referee, there was eerie lenegnds about ranjan madugalle, about what he did to a player who stepped on a cricket ball, a story that consisted of references to kacha jhal, gaer chamra and “Girly Men” although he wasn’t sure where the last bit came in, maybe it had to do with a governor in a far away country…….
“Chacha let it go.. it is consuming you”
Chacha reluctantly left the urn and left.
Ashraful “Frodo” Baggins ran into the Strobbit hole breathless.
“Your uncle, Chacha Baggins has left you something”
Ashraful stared at the urn.
“It’s just a ..just a .. what is it?”
“I have travelled far and searched far, during a time many such urns were made, some were replicas, but they all contained some power, especially over Australian and English cricketers and public. Now it seems the influence has spread…..

“You see there were makers of such urns before however CHapelron fooled the keeprs who made these urns to make a special one for him, with it he hoped to control the world’s cricket television viewership…
“For that he would have to take over the BCCI and before that he’d have to be coach…
“well you know the story, it was conveniently spoken by some random lady at the start of this story so scroll up if you don’t know it… now to test if what I thought is true”
Asad “Gandalf” Rauf picked up the urn and thre it into the fire
“Don’t, it’ll turn into Ashes TM “ screamed Ashraful
“Will it?”
Ashraful stared at the urn and saw that it had writing etched across it in some ancient language, far too sophisticated for him.
“Can you read it?”
“It.. it looks like Banglish, but I can’t read it..”
“It is a black speech, devised by Chapel-ron, the foulest Ozzie slang you can think of, I dare not mention it here for fear of upsetting the neighbours..”
“What does it say…?”
“Here goes… “You stupid pommies haven’t got a bleep..bleeep…bleep….bleep..bleep……….” Ashraful was confused, he had never heard such extensive vocabulary
Gandalf turned the ring over
“Not a replica. Made in China”
Ashraful looked thunderstruck at this amazing piece of news
'Did you understand that?"
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