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  #1  
Old May 14, 2012, 07:48 PM
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mar umpire mar umpire is offline
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Default Analysing some IPL players

With the IPL in full swing and the knockout phases fast approaching, debates run hot, regarding especially the KKR players and the Pune (insert your own alias for them here) warriors

It's time we have an objective loook at the players involved and their performances and value to their respective teams

This week we look at a true legend of the game and a potential legend of the game

JACQUES "King HENRY the 8th" KALLIS
AKA- KOLSHE (messr Simon), The Wilderbeest and other names that can't be mentioned
Current Teams: KKR and PhuPhu club

Profile photo

Caption:Kallis in his award winning role as "The Kolshe-FIrst Burden". However it was not as successful as "Rambo-FIrst Blood" due to the lack of action and runs made by Kolshe

Jacuques plays in many forms including the Kolshe form as displayed above. In this season for the KKR he has been true to form, The Kolshe has sat there and has done nothing. He has had a lot of money poured into him however like a true Kolshe he has been unable to move or do anything. With scores almost as slow as our other favourite player Ganguly (insert your own nick here) we have a true legend of the IPL and KKR.

As we move on we note the fact that Kolshe' are things that are simply "Gharer bojha" being carried about on the shoulders of people. True to form Kolshe has been carried by his team mates throughout the tournament, further fulfillinf his role as "Head Kolshe of the KKR"-in fact some people claim KKR is actually an acronym of "Kolshe Khelai Rakho". However this is yet to be verified by "Boy George" Joy "Bhat-choraya-khai".



"As seen above the Kolshe does not only become a burden to his team but also the general population in general. He loves to be carried on the heads of people-"tel dile mathai uthe jai" as claimed this young boy who was once a Kolshe fan"

More to come on this intriguing character.............................
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Last edited by mar umpire; May 14, 2012 at 08:45 PM..
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  #2  
Old May 14, 2012, 08:59 PM
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In case people are wondering-this thread was meant to be for both serious and non-serious analyses
So, fire away
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  #3  
Old May 14, 2012, 09:26 PM
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Kolshe finding especially difficult to get going-it's hard being a uselss utensil in cricket. The wait for someone to carry him again continues
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  #4  
Old May 14, 2012, 11:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mar umpire
With the IPL in full swing and the knockout phases fast approaching, debates run hot, regarding especially the KKR players and the Pune (insert your own alias for them here) warriors

It's time we have an objective loook at the players involved and their performances and value to their respective teams

This week we look at a true legend of the game and a potential legend of the game

JACQUES "King HENRY the 8th" KALLIS
AKA- KOLSHE (messr Simon), The Wilderbeest and other names that can't be mentioned
Current Teams: KKR and PhuPhu club

Profile photo

Caption:Kallis in his award winning role as "The Kolshe-FIrst Burden". However it was not as successful as "Rambo-FIrst Blood" due to the lack of action and runs made by Kolshe

Jacuques plays in many forms including the Kolshe form as displayed above. In this season for the KKR he has been true to form, The Kolshe has sat there and has done nothing. He has had a lot of money poured into him however like a true Kolshe he has been unable to move or do anything. With scores almost as slow as our other favourite player Ganguly (insert your own nick here) we have a true legend of the IPL and KKR.

As we move on we note the fact that Kolshe' are things that are simply "Gharer bojha" being carried about on the shoulders of people. True to form Kolshe has been carried by his team mates throughout the tournament, further fulfillinf his role as "Head Kolshe of the KKR"-in fact some people claim KKR is actually an acronym of "Kolshe Khelai Rakho". However this is yet to be verified by "Boy George" Joy "Bhat-choraya-khai".



"As seen above the Kolshe does not only become a burden to his team but also the general population in general. He loves to be carried on the heads of people-"tel dile mathai uthe jai" as claimed this young boy who was once a Kolshe fan"

More to come on this intriguing character.............................
lol..mar umpire bhai..

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  #5  
Old May 15, 2012, 12:02 PM
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hehe,interesting,waiting for more charecters
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  #6  
Old May 16, 2012, 04:24 AM
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Although Jacques "KOlshe" Kallis has been by far the most important contributor according to DOuble " G unit" Gambhir, he still fails to steal the limelight from the owner. We now take a brief interlude from our analysis of Kallis' contribution to concentrate on KKR's OWNER. We may also need to visit the "King Henry" part of kallis given the time

KKR OWNER:
NAME: SHAMUKH KHAN
OCCUPATION: Attempts to act and dance but like other members of his bollywood species only succeeds in spreading slime, ooze and other nasty smearing substances over people, food and most improtantly over cricket and Shakib al hasan.

Shamukh Khan also like his fellow species of team owners, is an invertebrate and does not have a spine. Which may explain his decisions and actions taken at the IPL. The worst of which was perhaps to become owner of KKR.


Age: He has outlived most other "shamukhs"
Height: Depends on the heels he wears
SUCCESS: Nothing to write home about. Was Head Warden of Shahrukh-shank prison from which Shakib continues to escape (cf mar umpires original story on KKR and shakib's experience from months back). Invented the "SHahrukh-Shank" as a form of severe "shanking punishment".

Profile Photo:


SHahmukh Khan in his younger days. However after purchasing the KKR and initiating some of the most anti-Bangladeshi cricketer policies via choice of staff etc, his true colours can be seen below-he is truly King Shamukh

The only way we know that this is indeed the real Shamukh Khan is via its high affinity for any camera even when not on air. He can be seen repeatedly kissing and waving into the camera and further spreading his slime.

Although Shamukh's species are believed to be that of snail, according to experts on the BC forum he has been referred to a range of terms including maggot. We will have to further dig into this thing's genalogy to determine if he's man or Shamukh or indeed maggot.

Recently Shamukh has joined a community drive to make Suicide stylish by making suicidal dcisions himself such as making Bookha Naan Coach, followed by mac-Kolom as captain, then Trevor "The Pillow" Balish and GG and Kolshe as the three in charge of KKR. His most suicidal decision howevr has been to not offer any support to the cause of SAH.

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  #7  
Old May 25, 2012, 04:14 AM
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mar umpire mar umpire is offline
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This now brings us to a player of the highest calibre Saurav Ganguly

NAMES: Saurav Ganguly, Shoe-rob "Dung"-guli or in the banglacised form Shoe-rob "Gu"-guli

Teams-Pune etc etc warriors
Status-The reject player. Looks around for struggling teams to plunge them to lower levels with the idea in mind that once you reach rock bottom you can only go up. Then blame everyone else.
COntribution: a new target for PETA campaigns after wearing a dead animal for the whole of IPL5. The specie cannot be confirmed although it is not the skunk Kevin Pietersen wore a few years back. It is beleived "Gu"-Guli/"Dung"-guli went for local flavour and has been wearing a semi-cremated mongoose on his scalp.

His fashion sense only just surpassing his current ability with the bat, ball, spoon, fork and microphone.

Profile Picture:

Note the following image and information is not for those who may be eating


Cow-"Dung"-guli derived his name from a product that has multiple uses in the subcontinent with hope that as people remember him they will equate his excellence to that of the excellence of the "Gobor". And indeed it has transpired that way-just like Mr Kamal and his anti-Midas touch turning everything to Gobor our "DUng"-Guli or "Gu"-guli has surpassed even kamal in that he is "Gobor" itself.
His uses are many, from being used as fuel to drive political campaigns as well as driving media fires ranging from his attitudes towards Bdeshis and his infinitely "Gobor"minded decisions. yes while Kamal may touch things which turn to Gobor, our "DUng"-guli emits more Gobor than a mutant cow with 8 stomachs that has been sufferring from gastro. "Dung"-guli's "Hot air comments" not to mention his gobor emission is believed to be contributing to the exceedingly hot temperatures in the IPL this season.

One player even claimed
"Playing in Chennai is like putting your head in an oven and turning it to 200 degrees-but playing in Pune is like approaching a sunspot-no wonder that poor mongoose which Dada sports as "hair" became cremated even before it landed on his head"

Depsite these negative connotations that "Dung"-guli or "Gu"-Guli has it would be fiercely unfair to label him as not being dangerous. Like the classic "Gu" once this man is touched by team owners or team-mates they are characteristically smeared with his odour and stains that even OMO, Keya Soap etc etc struggle to remove. He is not a thing to be messed with-He is the "mess" that is the Gu. Gan-"Gu"-Li is a man whose first and middle parts of his surname are "Gu" and providing he stays around you may expect more smearsand more messes with him.

This leaves fans with only one choice regarding Gu-Gu-Li

that is put him to use

Note: this thread does not condone the burning of real life cricketers in order to provide warmth on a winter night or boil some rice.

It does appear to condone their bruning in special situations nonetheless
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  #8  
Old May 25, 2012, 04:22 AM
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mar umpire mar umpire is offline
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Many theories exist as to how the thing on ganguly's scalp came to be including
A)It may have ben transplanted from another part of his body as this shows is a possibility


Sourav has rapidly become the target of PETA after launching his "instant hair transplant" prouct which consists of taping dead cremated animals to the scalp-his grin says it all


On the Mongrel, the Mighty Mongrel
The Mongoose sleeps tonight
awyeeeee(insert Lion King music here)

The poor mongoose that was cremated to make his "3 second" hair thckening can be seen
Ganguly shows no compassion as he screams in happiness at finally cremating a mongoose and plastering it to his head-Sachin eat your heart out

His cricket career effectively over, what does the future hold?
He is after all the prince, "hair" to the throne of Kolkata
perhaps a hair stylist?
Or perhaps he will follow the steps of Mallya jr
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  #9  
Old May 25, 2012, 05:12 AM
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^^ hahaha
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  #10  
Old May 25, 2012, 10:32 AM
oronnya oronnya is offline
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superb !!
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  #11  
Old May 28, 2012, 10:37 PM
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mar umpire mar umpire is offline
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Thank you kindly all for the kind feedback. I wanted to put this piece in my prvious posts but have been unable to do so as I can't find the other threead and it might be more than 6 months or something or other.

ANyway..................


He stared at his object of fascination. No movement, not even the flicker of an eyelid. Sweat beaded his forehead. The droplets swerved and slithered out a wet path on his forehead like insiduous serpents searching for a kill. He had to be careful. One wrong move and things could go horribly wrong for him. He gazed hungrily at his object of fascination.

One of the most dangerous creatures in the world sat, grazing away, unaware he was being watched and pursued. He continued to take in mouthfuls of the stuff, chewing, mashing, salivating, digesting, swallowing. He was truly in a vegetative state although he was strictly a carnivore. Many a victim had found that out before. His razor sharp teeth again tore through the meat and he drank some red liquid that gushed forth, guzzling down great mouthfuls. Swallowing, the liquid seeped from the sides of his mouth and dribbled down his neck and down his ample stomach. Blissfully unaware.

The hunter held a brief conversation wit his superior, he knew he had to make the move soon. Things were already becoming heated and dangerous. Nearby some random person's Fiance was being haplessly beaten and molested by another wild beast.

"C'mon, let's give us a Royal Challenge aye..."
"No Luke, take it easy. I don't even follow cricket. i'm french"
"So is "fiance"-they don't call me Pomers-bash for nothin..if you're a fiance you'll cop it"

The hunter knew time was running out, although he was married it was only a matter of time before Luke Pomersbach mistook the rest of the party to be "fiances" ready for his taking. Another scuffle nearby caught his attention.
"MY NAME IS KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN"
Shah Rukh Khan was laying mercilessly into Mumbai police and security, with jabs and hooks to put Unadkat "Uppercut, Undercut" to shame he flattened all those around him and went into a frenzy like some middle aged celebrity in a botox clinic.
"Shah Rukh Khan has gone mad. I don't know what he's doing"-Shakib could do nothing to help his team owner.

The hunter wiped beads of sweat from his forehead and sprayed more Rexona and ensured "the thing" on his head was still there. he had to hide the smell of gobor and his presence from the dangerous creature who was dining.

Suddenly the creature started guzzling more of the red liquid, which caused him to go into a frenzy very different to that of Shah Rukh or indeed Pomers-"bash" the "Molester".

"he's trying to fly-quick now before it's too late,"
"RED BULL GIVES ME WINGSSSSSSSSSSSS" bellowed the creature as he made a clumsy lunge enough to put to shame "Dumbo's first flight" or indeed Wilbur and Orville's initial attempts, having given enough analogies I will not refer to Icarus.

The hunter knew it was now or never. He was exhausted, fom dodging molesters and violent celebrity to the even more dangerous gossipping celebrities who seemed to have the ability of sucking out IQ points from those around them, he knew he had to muster the last of his strength. He didn't have the fitness but he had the mental drive.

With a fierce movement of his hand he raised the auction paddle
"50,000 dolllars for Tamim"
Petlu was sold. The Hunter's superior smiled in the shadows, his plans had finaly been put to action. The Hunter would soon become the hunted.
.................................................. .................................................. ..........
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  #12  
Old August 3, 2012, 07:26 AM
playmaker playmaker is offline
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mar umpire bhai!!! apnake khujje BD

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