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Forget Cricket Talk about anything [within Board Rules, of course :) ]

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  #251  
Old December 12, 2005, 09:27 PM
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Clocks In Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the main door, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" The gatekeeper answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" The gatekeeper responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Lincoln told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in the head office. It's being used as a ceiling fan."
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  #252  
Old December 13, 2005, 12:26 AM
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  #253  
Old December 24, 2005, 11:13 AM
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Do you understand computer technology?

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  #254  
Old December 24, 2005, 11:36 AM
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  #255  
Old December 24, 2005, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
**DON'T WATCH THIS IF YOU HAVE A WEAK HEART!!
TURN THE VOLUME UP SO YOU CAN HEAR WHAT THE PEOPLE ARE SAYING. Enjoy!
Read the story before watching the video Strange but interesting.

It's car advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the side of the
car, like a ghostly white mist. They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot.

The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon. Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in
the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road....Spooky!

Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist? You decide. If you listen to the ad, you'll even hear the cameraman whispering in the background about it near the end of the commercial.
Klik Here to see the Video

Edited on, December 24, 2005, 6:52 PM GMT, by Mr-khan.
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  #256  
Old December 24, 2005, 08:06 PM
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lmao awesome jokes TM.. I've seen the toilet one before.. simply hilarious! :embaressed:
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  #257  
Old January 26, 2006, 09:09 PM
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Default A very successful lawyer parked his...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

Source: Comedy Central.
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  #258  
Old January 27, 2006, 01:53 AM
reza_15 reza_15 is offline
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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  #259  
Old January 29, 2006, 04:10 PM
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Default Inzamam\'s English knowledge

Sorry in advance if this joke violates G-rating.. I'm no Inzi-hater btw so don't jump on me.. enjoy :embaressed:


Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepare for some standard questions that are asked to them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always used his standard response to the first question after winning.

But this time.....

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy!

Inzamam: First of all Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim!

All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in... Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort. Insha'llah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time and will be able to repeat the same result

*Tony fainted*
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  #260  
Old February 23, 2006, 12:50 AM
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Those who watched the cartoon He-man as a kid would get this (from penny arcade) :



Edited on, April 3, 2006, 7:32 PM GMT, by Nasif.
Reason: size fixed
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  #261  
Old April 3, 2006, 01:58 PM
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Default Cricket Jokes

MODS, is this the right forum for this thread??

A few cricket Jokes for you:

1. When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called "Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once.
With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!

He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You named your movie 'Gavaskar', but didn't show anything about me in it!"
The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called 'Border', but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"

2. The captain of a team says to the Umpire, "My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The Umpire says, "No." The captain says, "Well we think you're an asshole, then."

3. Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground. 'Thank goodness they got rid of it,' she sighed. 'Now we can all go home.'

4. The two rival cricketers were talking.
'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.'

'Well, you're just the man for the job.'


5. At the interval, everybody rushed to the bar, where local publican had thoughtfully provided a case of light ale. Unfortunately, the ale was off and halfway through the second innings, everyone was so ill that they abandoned the match. It was a case of bad light stopping play.

6. In the 1970s, two dedicated Yorkshiremen were at the match. One discovered that he'd left his wallet at home and friend offered to go back for it. He returned pale and shaken.
'I've got bad news for thee, Bob. Your wife s run off and left thee, and your house 'as burned to the ground!'

'I've got worse news for thee, lad. Boycott's out.'

7. A Yorkshireman had emigrated to America, but still used to receive news from home by mail. One day, he got the following telegram: 'Regret father died this morning STOP early hours. Funeral Wednesday STOP Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP Boycott not out ninety six.'

8. The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG): Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?
LG - No, my mummy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody!!!

9. What Cricketer's Name Stand For:

Kambli - Killed All Mediocre Bowling, Left Immediately
Kapil - Killed Aspiring Pacemen In Land
Prasad - Promised Revenge Against Sohail And Delivered
More - Mouthing Obscene Rubbish Everywhere
Gavaskar - Grafting Away Valiantly, Always Successfully Killed Any Result/ Goes Around Venting Angry Spiel Kicking About Rudely
Azhar - At Zenith Had Ambrose Reeling
Azharuddin - Almost Zaheer-like His Artistry, Rivetting Umpteen Devoted Doting Indian Nationals
Vishy - Vodka Is Sweet, He Yells
Tendulkar - Tiny, Exciting, Neverending Dynamo Undyingly Labours Keeps A Record
Amarnath - After Many A Reincarnation, Now Acknowledged Top Hand
Prasanna - Prince Radiant Among Spinners, Astutely Nailed Nimble Attackers
Bedi - Beautifully Executed Deliveries Indefinitely
Chandra - Cleverly Hides Another Nagging Delivery Really Accurately
Shastri - Shall His Achievements Still Truly Remain Interred?
Srinath - Simply Ravishing Incutters, Not A Ten-wicket Haul
Kumble - Killer Universal, Makes Batsmen Leave Embarassed
Sidhu - Shall I Drop Him Unfairly?
Mongia - Many Of Nayan's Gatherings Instigate Admiration
Raman - Remember, All Madrasis Are Nervous
Amol - Another Mumbai-ite Overly Lauded?
Muzumdar - Mediocre Underachiever Zealously Undertakes Many Drives And Run-outs

10. The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicket-keeper and said 'I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there.'

'Don't be silly,' said the wicket-keeper. 'You'll never hit her at two hundred yards.

More will come if you like these

Edited on, April 3, 2006, 7:04 PM GMT, by zakirc.
Reason: Typo
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  #262  
Old April 3, 2006, 02:02 PM
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  #263  
Old April 3, 2006, 02:07 PM
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don't get the boycott one. when he's out.
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  #264  
Old April 3, 2006, 02:09 PM
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you got some jokes dude!
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  #265  
Old April 3, 2006, 02:17 PM
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some super staff! l like 1, 2 and 3.............
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  #266  
Old April 3, 2006, 02:17 PM
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Simply Awesome
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  #267  
Old April 3, 2006, 02:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by jayed
don't get the boycott one. when he's out.
The fact that Boycott being out is worse news than "Your wife s run off and left thee, and your house 'as burned to the ground!" ... talk about cricket fans !!
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  #268  
Old April 3, 2006, 02:26 PM
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Moved to forget cricket, even though its not 100% forgetting the cricket

Merged with Joke thread.

Edited on, April 3, 2006, 7:29 PM GMT, by Nasif.
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  #269  
Old June 27, 2006, 09:36 AM
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Teacher to Sardar : Make a sentence in which one word is repeated twice.

Sardar : If Lara Dutta Marries Brian Lara, She will become Lara Lara, Bolo Tararara!!!!!!
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  #270  
Old June 27, 2006, 09:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ehsan
Teacher to Sardar : Make a sentence in which one word is repeated twice.

Sardar : If Lara Dutta Marries Brian Lara, She will become Lara Lara, Bolo Tararara!!!!!!
hahahaha.... thanks for the laugh. I love the Sardar jokes.
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  #271  
Old June 27, 2006, 09:40 AM
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Default Power of Punctuation

An English prof wrote the words: " A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."



All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

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  #272  
Old August 25, 2006, 01:22 AM
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oh.. let me share this one with u guys..its a bit big but quite funny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced."We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know."Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of pulling on a lizard's winkie in front of your wife and kids...Priceless

Moral of the story -
pay attention in biology class
lizards lay eggs
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  #273  
Old August 25, 2006, 05:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sydney
oh.. let me share this one with u guys..its a bit big but quite funny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced."We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know."Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of pulling on a lizard's winkie in front of your wife and kids...Priceless

Moral of the story -
pay attention in biology class
lizards lay eggs
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  #274  
Old August 25, 2006, 05:55 PM
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Bancan Bancan is offline
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omg , that was hilarious.
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  #275  
Old August 25, 2006, 06:59 PM
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I got this from a chain e-mail last week. Hope you guys enjoy it.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes
away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is
untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you
tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he
disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't
shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but
I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in
charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the
Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by
the minute.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of
sand and yells...

"Supplies!!"

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