Social life / Married life: Mama's boy

[fwullah]

• I am a working pregnant wife, can't cook
• My husband is unemployed - will start a new job from 7th April - pay not good
• I live 50% of my married life when I am not working at my parents' house and the rest 50% at my in-law's house
• My husband loves good cooking, he always talks about this house's cooking is bad, that house's cooking is good etc. etc. His mentality is like this - if I am a bad cook, then he'll have no choice but to eat my bad cooking. Also, he loves his Mom's cooking. My Mom doesn't cook, we have a couple of maid-servants who cook for us at my parents' house.
• Most importantly, about 3 to 4 months of before getting pregnant, I was talking to him, talking about my dreams and staff, from where I found out that he never intends to live separately - without his parents, his family. He also told me later that I can't cook, so why am I telling about living separately.
  
• He has a sister, "my nonaish"and her son living at my shoshurbari. She also doesn't cook, but she helps her Mom around all the time. She is not a working Mom, also not educated enough - she may have only studied till her HSC before getting married. Her husband has left her and said he will not give divorce.
• He also has a younger brother, who is working, and very much opposite to him. He works and is very independent. His pay is higher than my salary. I wish if my husband had the slightest bit of in dependency of his brother in him, it would have been better for me.
• Our room at my shoshurbari is very small. There's not enough space to even keep a baby-cot. And our bed is not like those huge beds like 50 years ago so that we could let a baby sleep on the bed throughout a whole year. Come to think of it, our bed at my parent's house is also not big enough, but at least, there's some space to place a very small sized baby-cot in our room at my parent's house. Also, as per our culture, my parent's house is not my house, but my shoshurbari is. At least its supposed to be! - At least that's how my husband sees it and also tells me.

Please give me solution. What should I do?

[goru]

At first I thought this was a joke... and possibly someone copying a plot from a Bangla drama... but then... what the hell??? Seeking life advice on the O/T section of an online cricket forum??!!!!!11

[al Furqaan]

fahmida, from personal experience, i know that if there is a problem, and your husband has some level of deceny, you have to confront him about your feelings ASAP.

don't be lulled into thinking that it will be a messy affair, cuz it will be, and life isn't a bed of roses for anyone. but ignoring the problem will NOT make it go away. it will only get WORSE.

you haven't mentioned anything about your husband's belief/attitudes towards you beyond that he doesn't like your cooking and expects you to live at your shoshur bari. what are his other traits (this is something you have to ask yourself and do not have to share here, but its important that you understand it and take it into account)?

is your husband overall generous and accepting towards you? or is he of the type of person who just sees women as baby-making factories? if its the latter, than i really can't say much, as i don't have the qualification. if its the former, than i can only say that you'll have to weigh those relatively small minuses with the bigger overall positive.

my two cents, hope it helps.

[Miraz]

Originally Posted by goru
At first I thought this was a joke... and possibly someone copying a plot from a Bangla drama... but then... what the hell??? Seeking life advice on the O/T section of an online cricket forum??!!!!!11

You are asking this question because you probably don't now fwullah and her involvement with BC.

I think the "First BC member" tag should be enough to understand...

[ammark]

I wish you the best. This is an issue that many of us probably have and will go through from either side, and I hope I have the fortitude to balance all sides.

The only thing that comes to my mind is maybe you should wait till the first paycheck. Psychologically that will have quite an effect on the whole dynamics no matter what.

[Tigers_eye]

Goru bhai,
She can claim this is her site.

++++

You are no longer one. You are two now. The one coming!! Congrats!! Think positives not negatives. be patient, I will PM you.

[fwullah]

Originally Posted by al Furqaan
fahmida, from personal experience, i know that if there is a problem, and your husband has some level of deceny, you have to confront him about your feelings ASAP.

don't be lulled into thinking that it will be a messy affair, cuz it will be, and life isn't a bed of roses for anyone. but ignoring the problem will NOT make it go away. it will only get WORSE.

you haven't mentioned anything about your husband's belief/attitudes towards you beyond that he doesn't like your cooking and expects you to live at your shoshur bari. what are his other traits (this is something you have to ask yourself and do not have to share here, but its important that you understand it and take it into account)?

is your husband overall generous and accepting towards you? or is he of the type of person who just sees women as baby-making factories? if its the latter, than i really can't say much, as i don't have the qualification. if its the former, than i can only say that you'll have to weigh those relatively small minuses with the bigger overall positive.

my two cents, hope it helps.

Lets see, I have to listen to all his "khota" about me not being able to cook - negative side.

Positive / negative (don't know) - He wants me to continue my work because he doesn't hope to get a good pay-able job.

Lets see other positives:

• I don't have to work - household work at my shoshurbari - other than listening to all these khotas once in a while from him
• He always wants to go places, hang out a lot (positive for us), but my negative side is that I don't want to go places as much as he wants - part of me being a working lady and him being unemployed
• He likes to play cricket - street cricket with his brother and nephew; but not as crazy cricket-watching fan as I am because he only watches Bangladesh cricket AFTER Bangladesh plays good cricket. He also doesn't like it when I am watching cricket (Bangladesh cricket) very attentively
• He is understanding, but I have to explain it to him every bit of detail
• Actually, haven't known him for even a year to make out all the positives, yet. But, hoping to get into his mind - what he's thinking by me expressing like this, because most of you are male-figures here, and at least 20 to 30% of you forum-members are at least married.

[fwullah]

Originally Posted by ammark
I hope I have the fortitude to balance all sides.

Balancing all sides - that's the key issue in married life, especially in Bengali culture, isn't it?

My negative switch turned on: A few months' back, I was asking him how'd he react if I become pregnant, because I would like to stay at my parents' house for about most of my pregnancy period, and he took it quite calmly and was very understanding, he said that then there would be a reason for him to stay at my parent's house with me.

But now since the situation has arisen, his words are so value-less! From what I have seen in only under a year, he won't even remember that he said so (there'd be a reason for him to stay at my parent's house) before.

[AsifTheManRahman]

Congratulations on the baby, Fahmida.

[ialbd]

Congratulation fwullah apu for the baby...

I'll follow this thread closely just to learn more about these hard facts of life.

[goru]

Originally Posted by Tigers_eye
Goru bhai,
She can claim this is her site.

Well, I have sites of my own, however I don't think I'd go seeking life advice in those places.

Her situation requires more "professional" help, IMHO.

[Murad]

Originally Posted by goru
Well, I have sites of my own, however I don't think I'd go seeking life advice in those places.

Her situation requires more "professional" help, IMHO.

She thinks of us her own people thats why she's seeking ideas from us.

If you have nothing good to say then don't. Don't tell her what to do or not to do. Its her own business. Thanks

[goru]

Originally Posted by muradnyc
Don't tell her what to do or not to do. Its her own business.

I don't think I was telling her that. However, it seems like you just told me what I shouldn't do.

[sandpiper]

Both the parties need to be open-minded and yield from their stance to solve these problems. I guess its all about mutual understanding and care. IMHO, willingness is the key to resolve these social issues and ego is the most harmful agent which complicates life. Hope the almighty gives you the strength and courage to get rid of predicaments. BTW, congratulations on the good news

[Fazal]

Dump that bum and be a free bird again .... ...................













Just kidding.

Few things to consider:

 During pregnancy women goes through lots of changes both physically, chemically as well as emotionally. That’s why this may not be the right time to make any life changing decision.

 It’s important that you keep your body and mind healthy and happy for the sake of the yet to be born baby.

 People say that after child birth, people changes. You should give a chance and see how things changes.

 Do some sole searching. Ask you self how much you want him. Can you accept him as he is? If not what are the things that he must change to make this relationship stick? Write it down what bothers you, what you like about him.

 After the birth of your child at some point you need to talk with him, most likely somewhere else alone where you two can discuss your issues.

 Tell him what bothers him. What he must change to make this relationship work.
 Ask him what bothers him? Then think how much you can change to make him happy. And sort out what are the things that you cannot change. Then let him know and see how he feels about it.
 Control your emotion. If emotion get too much into it, then arrange for another time to discuss

 After this discussion if you still want him, but you two couldn't resolve, then try marriage counselor or common friend that you two respect to work as a mediator. Give it a last try.

 If nothing works, talk with few people that you respect. Take their opinion as well as their advice.

 Try your best to make it happen. As long as you are convinced that you tried your best, that’s good enough.

 Don't stick with 'no-win' situation. Things doesn't miraculously solve by itself. Either you need to work on and fix it, or move on with your life when you are convinced that its not fixable. It’s never too late (in life), never think you are stuck in a 'no-win' situation or opportunity lost for ever. Its up to you to make up your own life a pleasant one .... with or without your husband.

 Life always looks greener in the other side. Problem will continue to come in life, you need to learn how to deal with it. Sometime it means trying to fix the problem by staying, other times it may be better to cut losses and move on with your life.
 Nobody but only you and few of your nearest and dearest one knows what is best for you. Don’t bother with “what other people will think”. Its what you think that matters most.

 Nobody is irreplaceable. With time wound heals, spring comes after winter and new flower blossoms in almost dead trees...

Don't give up ... fight for your own happiness…. Nobody will give it to you… you need to earn it… every time you loose it..

I hope it helps....

[SS]

Fahmida first of all congrats..great news that a new born is on the way...he/she will have so much meaning to your life despite all the struggles of life. We all pray for you, family.

This is a topic that is not easy but so important part of many of our lives. Marriage life is different and nobody expects to create this conjugal life in one day. Expectations before marriage can largely vary as two individuals start living and sharing, caring and sacrificing together. It's not easy if you are different and your lifestyle is different. But definitely counseling helps, but at the end you take your own decision.

It seems some activities (e.g. cooking, comparision etc.) that are contradictory to you. You are not alone and lots of people face this type of situation. Obviously, considerate person can change this type of thinking, but there are exceptions. Both partners need to compromise. Instead of finding negatives, find what your partner really like. It's also same for him too. Instead of making cooking a necessary part of life, make it an art of life and try enjoy the concept of 'cooking'. It's not a natural instinct for everybody, but if you try new cooking or even take advice from a good cook and then cook by yourself, it's a great accomplishment. Think like that way. But he also has to appreciate your effort. You have to understand sometimes not all people can appreciate or very expressive, sometimes they have their own way.

In-laws factor is always a big factor for girls (and also to some guys) as we embrace a new family, new parents. That is why it is very important to find the family value of your partner before marriage especially. As you can not change any person overnight, and not necessary people will change for you, you have to work with your partner to solve this issue. It's vice versa, but some guys believe in joint family as it was a tradition of our country. Some guys are independet. It seems you like that quality and it's more appealing for you. As you are already married and having conflict on this personality trait, work with your partner. May be if you guys relocate for a job or any other opportunity, it will help you establish your goal of having your own family. But remember, don't force or try to convince your partner just for the sake of you believe living seperately, it will not work right away, and conflict will occur. Show him the reason, show him the meaning of life and building partnership. Being a wife and being a husband are huge responsibility and both have to support each other and work together to form a family. It will be difficult for your to change a personality of Mama's boy but with your integration, love, hope and partnership you can make it happen. It will be struggle for your life, but if you have good will All mighty should help you.




It's not easy to do it, but sometimes you have to do it. If you think it's unbearable ask your mind and self. Do meditate and talk to your mind. Know your self and try your best. There is so perfect solution as marriage life and complicacy of life are changing with the time.

This is my 2 cents for our firstever BC member and welcome back to your another home.

[nsd3]

Congrats FWullah.

This means it's a good news! All good sides of a story will have a less good side as well. I believe that these sorts of situations will have lesser and lesser imporatance as life moves on. Although lot of people would come up with apparent helping tips at the end of the day it may not be wise to go public with these issues - it may backfire! Many had to apply consciousness to pass this test before and this might be your trun now. I hope you'll have the courage and patience to apply what you have so far learnt in life on what is good and not good even if others are not doing it right.

Not sure if I should add it here or not - it was a comment made by Kumar Bishwajit on a Close Up 1 judgement. He said so many synchronizations (guitars, drums, keyboards) going around you with different scale of music, but you have to hold the 'Mul shur' (main tone) of the song and finish it. I think it applies to our lives as well - hold the main tone and finish it - see how many times you can apply your learning (good and bad) till the end.

[Orpheus]

Hey fwullah, congratulations on the baby. But from what you have written where is the problem?

your husband sounds a lot like me.. if he is exactly like me... you have nothing to worry about... you are in safe hands...LOL...

Just so you know, you are not alone in this struggle... my gf is in exactly the same position as you are. Take for instance

You are pregnant. My gf looks pregnant but isn't really pregnant. She had a baby shower each year for past 3 years now just for the gifts.

You can't cook. My gf can't cook because she eats the food before it is done being cooked.

You watch cricket and your husband gets jealous. My gf watches blue film and I get jealous.

You want to live separately from IN-laws. My gf wants to live separately from MY laws.

You want a big room. My gf wants a big broom, I mean groom, I mean a groom with a big broom... vroom vroom!!

I know your thread was serious but I decided to go with the lighter side of life (cuz my gf is dark as hell). And I wasted some valuable time doing so. But hopefully some body enjoyed it.

So you guys decided on the name yet? Did you find out if it's a boy or a girl?

[Orpheus]

btw, I don't think this board is any good because there is hardly gonna be any female input...we men do not know anything to tell you the truth...but it sounds like you need a place to get things out of your system... we are all ears! some more than others.... I have only one open though.

[Rubu]

sis,

to start with, congrat on your marriage and advance congrat on the baby. no wonder you disappeared for a while.

I'm always afraid of giving suggestions in these situation because, what if it turns out to be bad (even though my intention is honest).

to start with, don't be afraid of cooking. it is one of the easiest thing on earth. if a guy like me who never even went to kitchen before can do it, you can do it. this is so that you do not feel this is a minus point of you. u don't have to cook, but if u know how to cook you can shut your in laws and husband off.

#2, do not try to detach him from his family, you should not do this and it will not work (this does not mean you don't have to live with them), living does not matter. instead insert you and your baby into him.

i think once the baby comes, he will feel the need for more space himself and will take care of it. so, i would say, discuss the issues that you think the baby will bring in the future. the keyword being discuss not fight over it. take your time and work with a cool head, things will be fine. do not rush to anything.

last but not least, my wife just went through a pregnancy and i know how ridiculous a girl can be during this time. its a stupid thing call hormone. i'm not saying that is why you see so much problem, but this could actually be true. so, whatever you decide do it after pregnancy as there is a BIG chance that you are not thinking straight at this time.

[Bancan]

Originally Posted by Orpheus
Hey fwullah, congratulations on the baby. But from what you have written where is the problem?

your husband sounds a lot like me.. if he is exactly like me... you have nothing to worry about... you are in safe hands...LOL...

Just so you know, you are not alone in this struggle... my gf is in exactly the same position as you are. Take for instance

You are pregnant. My gf looks pregnant but isn't really pregnant. She had a baby shower each year for past 3 years now just for the gifts.

You can't cook. My gf can't cook because she eats the food before it is done being cooked.

You watch cricket and your husband gets jealous. My gf watches blue film and I get jealous.

You want to live separately from IN-laws. My gf wants to live separately from MY laws.

You want a big room. My gf wants a big broom, I mean groom, I mean a groom with a big broom... vroom vroom!!

I know your thread was serious but I decided to go with the lighter side of life (cuz my gf is dark as hell). And I wasted some valuable time doing so. But hopefully some body enjoyed it.

So you guys decided on the name yet? Did you find out if it's a boy or a girl?

That was hilarious. The vroom one was the best lol.

Anyway since i was a kid i saw my grandparents and parents fight. And after so many years the relationship between my parents are worse than ever. So i know i am too young to say anything here but I feel if things dont work out now then there is a good chance it wont get better.

[GuruTM]

Wow these are some of the best posts ever made in BC on any single subject matter. Start off with al-furqaan's suggestion, work your way with SS's(great advice) suggestion while keeping the MUL-SHUR of the song intact. Hope it helps.

[WarWolf]

Originally Posted by goru
Well, I have sites of my own, however I don't think I'd go seeking life advice in those places.

Her situation requires more "professional" help, IMHO.

I don't see any problem in asking advice from brothers; I am sure she considers us to be her brothers. So what's the big deal here?

[WarWolf]

Dear sister Fahmida
Thanks for sharing the problem with your brothers and sisters here. First I would like to congratulate you for the coming baby. Inshallah s/he will come to earth safe and sound. Did you guys already decided his/her name?

I am not a married guy. So I really can't understand the intensity of the problems and therefore i should not make comments about it. But I think Fazal mamu. Rubu and SS has very sensible posts. You may find those posts has some nice seeds for your thinking.

BTW, are you religious? Do you pray regularly 5 times a day? If the answer is yes then I think you are in a better position than it seems from your posts.

My father passed away this January after suffering from cancer for several months. He has been the best living friend, philosopher and guide to me. After his passing away, i found myself in a very dark gloomy light less world and eventually became helpless. Then suddenly i started praying regularly to almightly Allah, asked help from Him and you won't believe the change in me. I found the peace what i had been asking for. So please try to motivate yourself towards Him. I hope you would find it helping you a lot.

Best wishes and regards.

[RazabQ]

Fazal for a young guy who's not yet married or about to get married, pretty good advice.

I think there are useful kernels of truth in what SS, Rubu and Fazal have said.

Congrats on the baby Fahmida. For now focus on him/her and in keeping your health. If venting to your hubby or in-laws makes you cope better do it. You are dealing with havoc in your body, they can put up with a few angry words.

And yeah don't make any hasty decisions until the baby is sleeping through the night (5th or 6th month. Serious. You won't realize how much of a difference a good night's rest make to spousal relations.

We've had two kids and both of us have high stress jobs in a country with no chakors. We are surviving so trust me it can be done. PM me if you'd like to discuss more. Some of my suggestions are not for public consumption.