Why I am not a cricketer

[Zeeshan]

My mother said to me, "If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the Pope." Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.

Cricket world has a lot to be thankful for. In fact, it has a helluva lot to be grateful for the fact that I, Zeeshan Mahmud, ended up as a nobody if not a f---in failure in life. Because had I chosen that forbidden path I would have made sure that I ripped the role out of that game. There is literally nothing I would not have done to make sure that my dreams don't come true or that I don't end up as the alpha male or to use the Italian phrase "L'Uomo Universale" (Universal Genius) of cricket. Had I been a cricketer I would have made it a mission in my life to make sure that I become THE embodinement of Leonardo da Vinci of this genre of kinematics.

From calculating mathematical trajectory of ball on paper so that it becomes an automatic instinct on crease to perfecting conotornistic body mechanics, from clocking in solid 5 hours a day toning down my body and building stamina like a delta force operative to mastering even botany and soil science to gain an intimate knowledge of pitch, from honing my reflexes by literally immersing myself in sensory deprivation channel to go as far as even learning psychology to get under opponent's skin I would have made it a surefire business that world is getting more than it bargained for.

Cricket is not a 9 to 5 smack that you do lying in the corner of your chamber. Of course I am not some chump who convinces myself negatively that oh-f***-there-has-been-only-one-Bradman-and-no-one-can-live-up-to-that-luftmensch. F--- no. If God chose me for this part, then like I soldier I would have sacrificed my neck on the gallows. My only objective would have been that after giving blood, sweat and tears in the nets my audience gets the best 90 odd minutes of their lifetime of ultimate dividend by being entertained to the highest hallucinogenic level of full bodied orgasm. Sh-- I would have made it sexy to be a damned cricketer(!).

Alas! [sigh] I am not. I am not the man destined to be the vanguard of this sport and I can only sit in front my computer tonight daydreaming on what-ifs and what-might-have-beens. But at least I am not dweeb enough to know that I haven't wasted my life to become some medicore, average Joe Schmoe of sports world wallowing in some dark armchair masturbating and cutting up one excuse after another on why I wasn't selected for the squad or how unfair fate has been so far or how wretchedly unlucky and unfortunate I am in terms of luck and talent. No sir. I mean sure one can go about being as colorful and flowery as possible on what to do and not to do when it comes to pen and paper. But the whole scenario changes when you actually do it. Well you know what....? Maybe that's precisely the very frickin reason why I didn't choose that path knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to deliver.

Polymath of cricket, ex cathedra my presence would send reverbation down the cricket world that indeed God manifested has arrived in the scene. Yes...it sure as heck would have been a lot of work. I mean seriously? Me as a cricketer? I would have prepared myself as if I am going to war! Voraciously reading anything and everything on that subject, conducting countless interviews of gurus, studying strategies and counterstragies by programming to react automatically watching countless obscure videos of game over and over again, pssh I would have built the ultimate machine who can walk on water. My life's soul would go into this. And if by any chance, if you were lucky enough to enter my world you have seen the life of a goddamn samurai with posters of Immortals in my bedroom wall to details like whey protein container in my cupboard. Everything geared to fulfilling one and only one goal in mind...that is to be the best.

Being a cricketer is a character. You can make it as creative as you want it to be. You don't learn it by reading some f----in book or by following blindly what others tell you to do. To certain extent you have to think for yourself and YOU define on what a cricketer's image should be. You decide what goes into his role? Is he a superhuman like Carl Lewis who defies science or more subtle like an assassin mime, a silent performer. Is he a fan of Nehru who brings in complex philosohpy in his arsenal or may be he likes David Blaine and...and translates the equivalnce of illusion in the field. You can make him a dark and grisly villain who is capable of manslaughter in the amphietheater. You don't follow the cliche footstep by doing what others do; instead, you let your imagination unfurl and ask yourself on why exactly you chose that path. Is it because of the money and fame or perhaps the very real reason of the dream you had in childhood of breaking, say Sehwag's record of the fastest triple century or Yuvi's six sixes. Because, I sure as heck wouldn't have gone to bed conjuring up images of having an average average. Afterall, we choose the path in life to reach the zenith of self-actualization.

So thank you God for not sending me down this ardous, sinous path. Because I couldn't have handled that labor. Thank God I didn't choose a path where I have to give 500% everyday and be a frickin overachiever. Maybe in some sinister twist of fate it is indeed a blessing that I didn't grow up to be a cricketer just because I have to wear the mask of....Zeeshan.

[One World]

No, the question of the crunch time is "Why you are not a golfer"?

J/K, nice read.

[kalpurush]

Originally Posted by One World
"Why you are not a golfer"?

Because of ....

Originally Posted by One World
J/K, nice read.

Indeed

[billah]

Originally Posted by kalpurush
Because of ....




Indeed

BTW, Tiger Woods' "I don't want to watch Golf, that's just boring" has to take the cake for 2009 quotable quotes

ZeeshanM: Saw the size of the post, lost all inspiration to read it through. Sorry.

[auntu]

Originally Posted by billah
BTW, Tiger Woods' "I don't want to watch Golf, that's just boring" has to take the cake for 2009 quotable quotes

ZeeshanM: Saw the size of the post, lost all inspiration to read it through. Sorry.

তবে ট্রাই দেন, পস্তাইবেন না।

[kalpurush]

Originally Posted by billah
BTW, Tiger Woods' "I don't want to watch Golf, that's just boring" has to take the cake for 2009 quotable quotes

Quote of the century to me!!!

[Ashfaq]

From experience, I can tell you that what you wrote here won't work. Imagine an electrical Engineer who knows literally every book cover to cover and knows about every electrical phenomena that may ever happen. Yeah, he still won't be any good unless he learns to get off his PC and do some gritty-dirty work.


BTW Zee, your case of Narcissistic disorder is regressing.

[Zeeshan]

Originally Posted by Siraji
From experience, I can tell you that what you wrote here won't work. Imagine an electrical Engineer who knows literally every book cover to cover and knows about every electrical phenomena that may ever happen. Yeah, he still won't be any good unless he learns to get off his PC and do some gritty-dirty work.

Clearly you missed my entire point.

[Ashfaq]

Originally Posted by ZeeshanM
Clearly you missed my entire point.

Well, your point was behind a wall of alphabets, I didn't even try. Just took a wild shot in the dark based on my previous experience with your views on life. So, naturally, I missed.

How was I supposed to know that this hypothesis of yours is based on toil and sweat instead of the usual theoretical physics type experiments.

[Zeeshan]

Originally Posted by Siraji
Well, your point was behind a wall of alphabets, I didn't even try. Just took a wild shot in the dark based on my previous experience with your views on life. So, naturally, I missed.

How was I supposed to know that this hypothesis of yours is based on toil and sweat instead of the usual theoretical physics type experiments.

Thanks for the critique.

[Ashfaq]

Originally Posted by ZeeshanM
Thanks for the critique.

Any time buddy anytime. You can trust me to be a harsh critique of yours. Because I expect much better from you, but mostly because it's fun to be on the good side of criticism.

[Ajfar]

Zeeshan bhai i'll give you 5 bucks to write my essay. please say yes.